(continued from page
8) husband's penis while he slumbers
with
RICHARD SIMMONS WORKOUT
AUDIOTAPES
Simmons Sleeptime Tapes
gently stave off erection.
Husband wakens with
soft, rested penis.
MODERN
MARITAL AIDS -- 800-542-6600
LET'S GO LAP-DANCING!
We're a
bunch of fun-loving single guys looking for gals
interested in going out and discovering America's
hottest new dance craze!
COME
ON, LADIES: LET'S LAP-DANCE!
Seattle
Quad Club -- 206-323-7203
BREASTS ENLARGED WITH STEAM CAN PROVIDE A
SOURCE OF EMERGENCY POWER!
Next
breast-enlargement, choose clean, biodegradable
Steam.
GREATER KING COUNTY STEAM
COUNCIL -- 206-358-6299
BEAUTIFY YOUR TOILET BOWL
with
our hand-crafted ceramic turds shaped like the
by-products of expensive food. PONTI'S famous
Saffron Lionfish. Cornmeal-Dusted Franks á
la WOLFGANG PUCK. Seem like an extravagant diner
without the expense, taste. Ceramic Waste
Treatments 206-323-7203
CONSIDERING
CIRCUMCISION?
dont doit it makes its hurts
when yuou pee
NORTH AMERICAN
ANTI-CIRCUMCISION BABY
SEXUAL HARASSMENT?
Sometimes
you just wish they would let you LIVE YOUR LIFE,
without all the hassles. Next time,
call
ComaTemp Temporaries,
Inc.
Clean, quiet, non-judgmental temps
available for a wide variety of sexual-harassment
needs. ComaTemps and QuadTemps 800-121-1111
Are
your breasts listless, saggy?
Are they
suffering from Chronic Breast-Depression?
FILL YOUR BREASTS WITH SAND FROM SUNNY
ST. TROPEZ
Clean, biodegradable. Breasts
end up enhanced, refreshed.
Exotique Imported
Breast Fill -- 206-344-2800
GOT
ARTIFICIAL BREASTS?
It's well-known that
mammograms don't work with fake breasts. You need
a FAKE mammogram. With technicians, tools and
diagnoses appropriate for YOUR breast type. Give
me a call.
CHUCK'S POLAROID MAMMOGRAMS --
206-224-3283
ABOUT TO INCUR
A FINANCIAL LOSS?
Our trained psychics
will help you through this difficult time by
telling you exactly how much you will lose, to the
penny. We will even tell you WHEN, when you call.
And if your loss is to be a significant one, you
will need to talk to us in greater
detail.
MADAME VULVANA'S EASY PSYCHIC
FORECASTS
1-900-987-7653 -- $14.95 per
minute; includes ten minutes chit-chat.
THE
"SAVE THE CHILDREN" ORGANIZATION IS
RUNNING OUT OF CHILDREN
Last
fiscal year we were not able to save the children
very well and now we don't have too many left. If
this continues we will not be able to continue in
our important work of SAVING THE CHILDREN. Please
help us save the children. Please send children
to:
SAVE THE CHILDREN, OGADEN SOMALIA
91102
YOU ARE A COMPLEX PERSON
An
astrological forecast, in and of itself, just isn't
going to give you what you need, especially if
it's wrong. That's why we give you
TEN DIFFERENT ASTROLOGICAL
FORECASTS
each time you call, for a
greater chance of accuracy.
TIM'S TEN
ASTROLOGICAL FORECASTS, 900-112-4454.
Eerie
Accuracy 10 times more likely! Same ten forecasts
daily.
OPEN MIKE NIGHT FOR IMPORTANT PUBLIC
CELLPHONE CALLS
Join us Mondays! Canlis on
Aurora, 635336 Aurora Ave. E.
NAME-DROPPERS ANONYMOUS
Our
Seattle Chapter meets Fridays at Dale Chihuly's
Boathouse. Other members include the McCaw boys,
Bob Fulghum, Bill and Melinda, Bud Foley of
course, and Tim & Dan are often there with their
entourage. If you don't think this is an important
social problem then you should come to one of our
meetings and listen, it is quite awful. Info:
800-622-0912
NEW WAY FOR
ENVIRONMENTALISTS TO SAVE EARTH
King County
Sanitation will divert overflow sewer sludge to
private homes right through your water line. By
diverting to your home, you help keep this toxic
sludge out of our nation's wetlands and streams.
This service offered to King County residents
only. 206-323-7203
KEEP YOUR
TESTICLES SAFE
in our styrocene
underpants filled with cryogenic fluid. Testicles will never
decay, moulder, suppurate or congeal. Keep them
safe for later use.
TestiKool Underpants
Systems -- 206-358-6299
MOMS:
DO YOUR TEENS ABSORB ODORS?
Smoke,
mildew, pet odor ... some teens really absorb
odors. If your teens fit that description,
EMERGENCY BRING YOUR TEENS TO WEST POINT TREATMENT
PLANT ENORMOUS METHANE LEAK REPEAT METHANE LEAK
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HURRY
GOOD NEWS FOR
CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS.
THE "SAVE THE CHILDREN"
ORGANIZATION
NOW SAVES
KITTENS
Now EVERYONE can take advantage
of and enjoy our award-winning Saving Services.
Got a kitten that needs saving, Christians? Just
call our hotline: (kittens) 206-344-2800;
(children) 206-224-3283
EVEN THOUGH ASTROLOGY
DOESN'T WORK FOR MOST THINGS, YOU CAN USE IT
TO:
NAVIGATE AT NIGHT
Mystics have used the Power of the Stars for
years to predict how to get to their destinations,
often with eerie accuracy. Well, now you can too,
using the Power of the Stars, your GPS location
and your credit card.
DON'S ASTROLOGICAL
DRIVING DIRECTIONS 900-712-1244
HAVE
YOUR BELOVED PET OR FAMILY MEMBER
BURIED NEXT TO FILM STAR BRUCE
LEE
Filmdom's best-loved stuntman. Star
of "Green Hornet." All for only
$30.
LAKEVIEW CEMETERY MIDNIGHT BURIALS --
206-323-7203
This Yuletide, remember the
Kosovo Refugees by giving generously to:
THE
SEATTLE AQUARIUM SEAL EXHIBIT FUND BOX 12141
SEATTLE WA 98111 GOD BLESS YOU
SEEM AND FEEL MORE RICH
Enjoy
genuine expensive restaurant experiences without
leaving your home by letting MYLACKEY.COM insult
the waiter of your choosing for you. Cheaper than
a meal and it only takes seconds. We have home,
work and fax numbers for 10,000 Seattle-area
waitstaff. 206-358-6299
www.sexydownloadvirusnowgirlbreast.com
DID
BILL GATES DESTROY YOUR BUSINESS AND
CAREER?
BOMB THE GATES
ESTATE WITH YOUR FUNERAL ASH
Imagine
your fine or medium-grit ash falling from the sky
upon the Gates Yard, Gardens or
Croplands.
GATES ESTATES SOIL SYSTEMS --
206-344-2800
NEED MONEY FOR
NO REASON? DON'T NEED MONEY BUT WANT SOME ANYWAY?
RETARDED?
Now there's good news. The
United States Treasury Dept. is presently GIVING
AWAY its entire 200 Million Dollar inventory
of
WORTHLESS SUSAN B. ANTHONY
DOLLARS
to any adult who can demonstrate a
capacity to immediately misplace, fritter,
squander or destroy them. Have money while helping
rid your nation of this terrible scourge. U.S.
Treasury, Ogden, UT 76199
NEED INACCURATE
INVESTMENT ADVICE ... FAST?
Rich
relatives, friends will lose money FAST with these
exclusive Stock Tips "Proven Inaccurate" during
the crash of 1987. Thousands to choose from.
Allied Misinvestments International
800-282-3055
C'mon. Try something new this
weekend.
GET HAMMERED ON A
CASCADE WINERIES WINE-TASTING TOUR
CIRCUMCISION IS MURDER
To
vegans a Foreskin is meat, which has rights; to
Christians it is innocent human life, which has
similar rights. That is why circumcision is
MURDER. A circumcised penis is a quick, easy way
to make both Christians AND vegans fear and avoid
you. So what're ya waitin' for??
CAL'S
DRIVE-THRU CIRCUMCISIONS 206-224-3283
SUE
YOUR ATTORNEY FOR
DECEPTIVE PRACTICES
Easy
money! Simply sue us for deceptive practices and
claims. You pay only court costs, legal fees and
final damage assessment. Call now!
MCNUTT,
GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY
590 Commercial Ave., Coos
Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
IMPORTANT Y2K BUG
MESSAGE
It's still a great time to load the Y2K
Virus into your business system. Thousands still
available. For our Chinese clients, plenty of
YKPig Virus. And you will want to get an early
start on the Y3K Virus.
ALLIED BUSINESS SYSTEMS
DESTROYERS -- 206-323-7203
ASH OF LOVED ONES
MIXED INTO NEW
DOWNTOWN SEATTLE PUBLIC
LIBRARY
A thoughtful way to help future
generations of young readers. No chips or fibers,
please. We pay 4.95 per oz. fine, 3.95 per oz.
medium grit.
MUTUAL MATERIALS --
206-358-6299
Remember construction starts Feb 8
if you want your own ash mixed in.
WANT TO BE
PSYCHOANALYZED AGAINST YOUR WILL?
If you
answered "Yes!" then you did not understand the
question. But if you answered "No!" and skipped
over the rest of the ad, please call our hotline
and speak to one of our unqualified counselors for
the wholly undesirable counseling you evidently
believe you want. 206-344-2800
'TARDLINE
UNDESIRABLE TELEPHONE COUNSELING
NOW YOU CAN BE
SEEN READING THE NY TIMES WITHOUT HAVING TO READ
THE NY TIMES. PRESENTING:
NY TIMES PHOENICIAN
EDITION
"Phoenician" is a long-dead language.
It is completely unreadable.
SAME GREAT NY
TIMES. NOW LESS READING. CALL TODAY.
If you can
stand the idea of being in a room with 40 yuppie
housewives and are a legally-documented
African-American,
HELP US WITH OUR TRADITIONAL
KWANZAA CELEBRATION
We have gathered corn and
flax and are prepared to geld animals. Is that
right? What is Kwanzaa exactly? Help us please
dear God last year there were several injuries.
Kirkland Ladies Coalition -- 206-224-3283
JUST
SAY "NO" TO BRAIN CANCER
By using your
old-style rotary phone when you call me. You see,
this is not an important public call, so you need
not use your cellular phone. I look forward to
hearing from you. Mrs. Rose Linder,
206-323-7203
It seems there are times when
making or receiving important cell-phone calls is
considered "inappropriate." At these
times:
HAVE YOUR IMPORTANT INCOMING CELL-PHONE
CALLS FORWARDED TO THE 911 SWITCHBOARD.
A new
service from AT&T and Nokia. Call us for details.
206-358-6299
TEST YOUR LABORATORY BEAGLE FOR
ILLEGAL DRUG USE
Lab animals have access to
pharmaceuticals, chemicals, controlled substances.
Beagles are notoriously opportunistic and subject
to uncontrollable temptations. Quick urine test
checks for use of Demerol, synthetic cheeses,
cosmetics. Then you punish bitch as
desired.
CENTERS FOR BEAGLE CONTROL, ATLANTA GA
61160
IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE IF YOU KEPT
YOUR
BREAST IMPLANT OUTSIDE THE BREAST
Guests and friends could squeeze and enjoy
without violating your personal space. Safer when
ruptured and only a one-day hospital stay.
Exotique Explant Applications --
206-358-6299
WE'RE STOPPING APARTHEID
AGAIN!
And we need your help! Remember those
great old Anti-Apartheid protests of the 80's?
Coherent protestings, for a good cause. Well,
we're bringing back the old Stop Apartheid
movement, and we need to hear from you: if you are
presently -- or in the future are planning to be
-- a practitioner of Apartheid, please call our
hotline. Our protest is slated for Dec. 10, so we
need to know by then or we'll have no choice but
to completely trash Downtown again.
WHITE
ANGLO-SAXON PROTESTORS GUILD 206-344-2800
SAME-SIZED BREASTS ARE BORING
A quality breast
says something about the woman it adorns.
Shouldn't you have a different breast type for
both of your moods? A small breast for the classy
lady in you ... and a big breast for the
hottie-on-the-prowl in you! Simple two-step
process. Stop by for a free breast assessment.
FRANK GEHRY BREAST DESIGN
300 5th Ave. N.,
Purple Tube Building, Seattle WA --
206-224-3283
HARD-CORE ADULT FILMS WITHOUT THE
SEXUAL IMAGERY
At last! Quality full-length
Hollywood-style Triple-X Porn for the whole
family. Anal Avengers, Long Dong Silver, Booty and
the Beast. 1000's of titles, all with
objectionable material expurgated.
JOHANSON'S
6-MINUTE FAMILY FILMS -- 206-323-7203
BE THE
FIRST TO SNEER AT THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY
By
owning our latest line of technological marvels so
new they don't work yet. Trillion-gig hard-drive;
fax pen; erection fibrillator. Laser mind-reading
gun! Or can design non-working marvel to your
specs. Ridicule friends, co-workers.
Tomorrow's
History Today, Inc. 206-358-6299
GUARANTEED
ERECTIONS WITHOUT A PILL
No pills, pumps or
impure thoughts. 2,000 erections a minute with my
electrodynamic fibrillator. Insert diode in
urethra, engage. 100's of uses.
Modern Marital
Impediments -- 206-344-2800
WOMEN: CONSIDER THE
GIFT OF EGG-DONATION
Healthy women 21-35.
Caviar for the Needy 206-224-3283 God bless
you.
MISS YOUR DRUG PERIOD?
Most of us look
back fondly on that period of our lives completely
purged from memory by inordinate drug use. If you
did not have that period, we can provide for you a
detailed account of vivid drug-taking memories so
unfamiliar to you you'll feel you must have
forgotten them or at least wish you had. Ballard
Memory Fabrications 206-323-7203
STD
PROBLEMS?
DISEASE CAN REALLY AFFECT
LIFESTYLE
But did you know ...? Adult Diapers
have been proven EFFECTIVE in preventing those
diseases associated with (continued on page
8) |
