(continued from page
8) anal intercourse. Simply affix your
partner with one of our rugged undergarments while
he slumbers. You'll wake up disease-free and
AT BETTER BELLTOWN MALLS
Crave that great 7-11 corndog
taste? Busy watching TV?
7-11 CORNDOGS NOW AVAILABLE FOR HOME
That crunchy goodness right in
your home. Send check or M.O. for $1.95 to:
Shipping, Box 41782, Ballinger TX 80021. Please
allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.
Lick public surfaces without fear of
Rubbers. Ribbed or regular.
SAVAGE SUNDRIES --
YOUR TOILET BOWL
with a hand-crafted
ceramic turd shaped like Paul Allen's EMP. Frank
Gehry's multi-shaped wonder right in your home to
please friends and guests. Remove sculpture before
Goodbye herpes, hello safe, clean
For safe fluid
transfer during stage/screen kissing scenes. Also
use for weddings, holidays. Ron's Non-Herpetic
No one likes sexual
harassment. But everyone wants to be a victim of
Next time, work for:
Foster & Sons,
can barely enunciate, and cannot use their hands.
Easy, ridiculous harassments. And they will handle
your lawsuit for you!
G.R. Foster & Sons --
You'd like a safe, effective
piercing without all that unsightly jewelry. We
are presently seeking young, accident-prone teens
to test the effectiveness of our new "idiot-proof"
safety features. We can provide you with juice,
gauze and of course the nice piercings.
SEATTLE STAPLEGUN ACADEMY
With our clean, stainless-steel
jewelry and your pre-existing wound.
HARBORVIEW FASHION ANNEX
A moonlit night near
Volunteer Park. Suddenly a voice cries out:
"HE-ELP! SOMEONE STOLE MY
Evidently the man didn't do his
banking at Cascade. We've been offering Night-time
Deposit Slots since 1970.
Cascade Sperm Bank. Dependable
spermguarding since 1852
heterosexual guys! Got a buddy who's always
BUGGIN' YOU FOR SEX?
WHAT A PAIN!
Well, next time you have
sex, put some "spice" into his love life. With new
PEPPER-HOT SPERM. Inflammation, upset tummy and
"Sex? No thank
Pepper capsules and suppositories
from Ha-Ha-Habanero, Eden TX
PUBLIC NOTICE: We
will be picketing and protesting the offices of
County Councilman Joe Szwaja and University of
Washington quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo next
Friday at noon. Come one come all for what should
be some nice protests.
NAME-DROPPERS ACTION GUILD
Unidentifiable corpses end up at Medical Schools,
where they are poked and prodded and treated with
indignity. For the love of god, teens:
LEAVE AN IDENTIFIABLE
FRIEND IN A COMA?
have Holiday Greetings or a Birthday Salutation
tattooed on your loved one by a gentle, certified
specialist who really cares. A gift that will last
the years. Alvin Goldfarb Tattoos 206-344-2800
DID A TV JUDGE REAM YOU A NEW
INSPECT, CLEAN, CHECK PROSTATE.
Savage Systems New
Asshole Detailing 206-224-3283
Gender-Neutral Children's Stories for
your Lesbian Toddler
Les Amis Books
Videos and Toys for Lil' Lesbians 206-323-7203
"DANG IT! I WANT A PENIS PIERCING
THAT WON'T MAKE ME PISS BLOOD!"
filled with formaldehyde does not bleed. Let me
solve your piercing dilemmas. Dr. Cole's Practical
TRACKING IMPLANTS FOR TEENS TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND
FREE? That's right. Just drop
by our office and say, "I didn't understand that
ad" to receive your FREE tracking implant. Central
Procedures -- 466748 Marginal Way NE Seattle
Including linen, latex, cotton
scraps, elastic parts. Can you handle a hose and
scraper? Lusty Lady now hiring.
That's a problem, because the
Bible forbids sodomy. Now what?! Well ... the
Bible says nothing about algolagnia or
autoflateuration, does it? Heh-heh. Any number of
penile-anal sex acts that are not sodomy, so you
and your partner can get the most out of
Big Book of Sex Terms for
Dummies -- 1-800-622-8276
NEED TO HURL? DON'T HAVE FOOD?
It's tough to hurl on an empty stomach. That's why
Cap Hill Food Bank is going through some big
changes. Now we're:
Food Savings and Loan
Talk to us about
our low-interest food loans. Ten Cap Hill
FLAVOR YOUR SMEGMA
Mint, dill, cheese.
U.S. Secretion Enhancements 1-900-773-2456
GOT A WOUND THAT WON'T
Use your misfortune to help others
by bleeding on fur-wearing Nordstrom's shoppers
while regular protestors take smoke breaks, rest,
get lunch. Every Saturday at noon. Can provide
WTO Protestors needed.
block Downtown traffic. Please assist in
installation of new fiber-optics line. Blockages
needed at 4th and Wall, 4th and Cherry, 5th and
Spring, all day Sunday the 23rd. Thank you, City
BY BAD BUTT-SMELL?
self-conscious pooch with new Foster Cheese
CAUTION: FOSTER CHEESE WIPES CONTAIN
REAL FRENCH CHEESES AND ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR HUMAN
Foster Cheese Import & Salvage --
Watery Eyes and
For those suffering from Loss of
Face Control. At better Belltown Malls.
Protect your valuable tattoos from the ravages of
weather, fire and disease by entrusting them with
CASCADE SCALP, SKIN
AND DANDER BANK
Forging a document?
Need random numbers ... FAST? You
Todd's Numbers --
206-323-7203 -- 206-358-6299
me a check or money order for $8.95 if you use
Making obscene phone calls? Need phone
numbers ... FAST? You need:
Todd's Numbers -- 206-323-7203 --
$8.95 per use. Please not
too raunchy if my mom answers.
WHO WANTS TO BE A 'TARDED
is doing a contestant search
in your area! All day Sat. Nov. 21 at the
Convention Center. Please stop by and talk to us
if you are unable to follow these simple
instructions. Good luck King County 'tards!
It's exhausting, believing in the mystical healing
power of Ginseng. The expense, the taste, and it
doesn't work. Now there's new
Ginseng. Same mystical powers. Now
BELIEVING JUST GOT
A WHOLE LOT EASIER! -- 800-221-2321
It is truly a Modern-Day
You mistakenly return one of
your pornographic videos to Tower Video. When they
call and remind you, you blurt out, "Keep it,
video clerk. You need it more than I do." Only
then do you realize: your Anal Avengers tape cost
$42: they just cleared eight dollars of pure
profit! Next time just misreturn your
No embarrassing calls. Five
locations. Or just call our Stolen Video Isle
Pick-Up Van. 206-344-2800
Is your Wife, Bitch or Hottie a
hole of your choosing.
seal in just 1 hour while she slumbers. Bitch
wakes up more wifely, better hottie for you.
Hey, people: still
waiting on everyone to send in their ballots for
MOST INFLUENTIAL LAZY TEEN OF THE MILLENNIUM
voting. Come on, man! It is very easy. Just send
in a ballot to the following address (and please
remember to include both first AND last name of
your nominee). Thanks, Karl.
Tired of being an Idiot?
CHANGE YOUR DATE OF BIRTH
Idiocy is often caused by having the wrong
astrological sign. Bring valid copy of birth
certificate. I'll inspect, clean, make appropriate
changes. And then notarization is an option if you
are a certified notary. Chuck's Drive-Thru Changes
123321 N. Aurora
If you have
language skills and a pencil you
YOUR OWN ASTROLOGICAL
Amaze yourself! Quickly
consult star charts, to-do lists, day planner,
television schedule; write forecast accordingly.
Can be done at end of day if greater accuracy is
desired. See us today.
SEATTLE PENCIL COMPANY
-- 343223 SE Blaine St.
IS A PRECIOUS GIFT
with my awful
astrological forecasts predicting your death.
Horrible deaths. Wake up glad you somehow survived
to live another precious day. Cause of death
changed daily. Money back if forecast eerily
accurate. Pat's E-Z Forecasts of Doom
Calling all WTO
YOUR SUICIDE BOMBING
At our new Omak
facility. Roomy outdoor practice range. We provide
materials, you provide youthful zeal. We pay $4
per lb. dry body weight. U.S. Zinc & Gravel Quarry
WE WANT YOUR
OVERFLOW PORN WASTE
Don't throw away
your waste porn! Send us your old porn slag,
debris, fused porn slurry including electronic
parts, porn remnants, porn residue or toxic latex
or cotton porn scraps.
Centers for Disease
Control, Atlanta GA 61160
Got Fetal Alcohol
Syndrome? Have your mom
to help ease you through those tough
cravings. Not an implant, injection or cream.
2-week fermentation period.
All-Natural Gut Brew Kit 800-223-0987
advise your friends and family that, in the event
you become brain-dead or enter into an
irreversible coma, you can still
PEE A PERFECT
Sudsy Guinness, served at the perfect
temperature. From complete drag to life of the
party in just one 2-week fermentation period.
Fleischmann's All-Natural Gut Brew Kit
Poor Memory can be an early sign
of Teen Alzheimer's
Free memory analysis and
assessment 3pm Saturday, Exhibition Center, rm.
12-B. If you show up your memory is fine so please
yield limited seating to those more needy. 3pm
Saturday, Exhibition Center, rm. 10-B. Teens only,
please: no idiots, 'tards.
AMERICAN, YES. BUT
No one wants a Hottie with
breast-implants made in Hong Kong. But did you
know ...? Parker Hottie Parts are American-made.
Osteopathic screws, cranial plates, prosthetic
knees and zygomatic arches, glass eyes and
bridgework, teflon uterus. Call for catalog.
Parker's All-American Hottie Parts --
SEEKING DRUNKEN STAGE-DIVER. New
grunge band seeks drunken stage-diver to drunkenly
dive from stage during possible upcoming world
tour. Must be able to drink, dive. Not responsible
for injury. Can pay you in band skanks. Tom,
SEEKING PENIS-EXPOSER. New grunge
band seeks penis-exposer to expose penis on stage
during possible upcoming world tour. Expose penis,
incur subsequent arrest, payment of fines. Clean
penis, no pierces. Can pay you band skanks. Tom,
SEEKING BAND SKANKS. To help new
band. Tom, 206-224-3283
Nocturnal erections can lead to injury,
But did you know ...? You can deaden your
(continued on page 8)