 This week there
were: 32 WOMEN SEEKING MEN ads; 244 MEN SEEKING WOMEN ads; 19 MEN SEEKING EACH OTHER ads; two FEMALE
INTRASEXUAL SEEKERS ads; a handful of irritating ADS OF THE WEEK; and one SENIOR who wished to be
left alone.
TIRED OF LOSERS WF, single, 30-35, warm, feminine, interesting, and if I were a man
I'd find myself attractive. I like music, entertainment, conversing, delicious meals. Seeking a
single gentleman with these or other attributes. Important: you must be financially-secure and not
afraid to show it. I need a man who can be my friend, my lover, and possibly (??) my ex-husband.
The rest were pretty much like this one.
None of interest.
 These ads were
amusing and informative.
HEMP MITZVAH '95 I SAW U. You told me my cap had lost its visor. And that you would
help me look for it or loan me yours. I said that was very thoughtful of you. Me: tall, glasses,
yarmulke. You ... actually, on second thought I think it was someone else. Sorry, never mind. No,
I'm serious, never mind.
NEW HOURS! Jeff Smith, TV's "Frugal Gourmet," will henceforth be receiving harassing hate calls
between 2 and 4 pm weekdays.
Mr. and Mrs. Larsen K. Pell are pleased to announce the breast
augmentation of their daughter, Kimberly.
Notice to all: do not commission the services of Liars
Unlimited. They will take your money and then spread vicious lies about you! Eric Tyles,
206-727-0753.
Like the above ad? It's one of ours! That's the sort of work we do at Liars
Unlimited. Clear, effective lying. Admit it, for a second you were actually convinced we had told
lies about poor Mr. Tyles. Put that lying-power to work for you. In print or in person.
206-470-8330.
NOTICE FROM THE OFFICE OF THE MAYOR As a result of Police
Chief Stamper's bursitis flare-up - reported here last week - this year's 1st Annual Hug-A-Thug Day
will be postponed until further notice.
NOTICE TO ALL OUR FRIENDS: There was a break-in on Feb
21, 1995, and they got away with several of our specimens. Of particular interest are the
following:
 - 4" Zulu specimen
- Our Siamese twin unit
- Our Strom Thurmond (signed, dated) original
- The Elvis post-mortem fragment
Please contact us if you know anything.
Reward! Ed Schneider Foreskin Curators. 206-939-0132.
HELP SEND ME TO EXOTIC
THAILAND! On Feb 3rd of this year, my good friend and co-worker Robert Belden passed
away after a brief bout with cancer. He left behind his loving parents and two sisters, Camille and
Nancy, as well as many friends. Robert was only 38. Because he left no will, his bereaved family
asked me to accept the grim task of attending to his belongings. In so doing, I discovered over
1,000 pornographic videotapes in his basement. Titles such as "The Loin King," "Peter Pansy &
Captain Hunk," "The Adventures of Dong Quixote," and many more. Auction starts at 9 am, Mar 14th,
Seattle Center Cascade Room.
Evergreen, the first school of its kind to introduce:
-
ungraded classes and tests,
- individualized curriculi,
- color-corrected
faculty,
now introduces instructorless classes! The ultimate in a non-judgmental
learning environment. Student selects texts, designs course description, advises self and provides
an occasional guiding word. Starting with Summer Quarter.
EVERGREEN SCHOOL OF
DRIVING
In beautiful Everett. 206-727-0753.
There cannot be TOO MUCH communication
Communication: the key to social harmony. That's the idea behind Electronic Babylon, a
new Internet service. A 10,000-person simultaneous conversation made possible by the miracle of the
Information Superhighway. Please join us - the more the merrier - and keep your contributions to two
words or less. Contact us at Box 3224, Seattle 98114.
You try to resist seeking victim status. But you find yourself doing it anyway, again and
again.
It's not your fault. Society makes you do it. Please contact the
UW School of Victim Sciences. 206-727-0753. Plenty of good teaching positions still
available.
Haunted and harassed by victims?
It's not your fault.
Society makes you do it, etc. (see above ad).
Every victim needs a
victim-enabler Need victims for your shelter, support group, editorial staff? We
generate our victims in a variety of classifications in our Enumclaw workshop. Victims
Clearinghouse. 206-470-8330.
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Greenlake soccer field, 2/14. Lost not one but both glass eyes after nasty tackle during rugby.
Reward. 206-470-8330.
Seeking lost dog. Chan's Restaurant. 206-470-8330.
Surrogate Menstruator sought. Must be young, regular. 206-470-8330.
Like to squeeze
breasts?If you answered "yes" to the above question, then perhaps you've got what it
takes to join our team of high-energy volunteers. Strong, smooth hands and a good attitude a must.
Squeeze all day if you like. Other behaviors will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.
Cascade Volunteer Dairies, 206-470-8330.
FIRE ME Am seeking a job
offering two weeks severance pay. Experienced, references. Phil, 206-470-8330.
Own
your own business! Fired recently due to gross incompetence? Did you know that firing
the incompetent violates, as of Mar 1, the anti-discrimination clause of Title IX of State House
Bill HR 94912? Let us show you how to: sue your ex-employer for pain and suffering; sue them for the
pain and suffering pre-dating your dismissal caused by your certainty that said dismissal would
occur; sue for feelings of hate and unwellness toward your employer; sue them for your
incompetence.Then, once you've taken over their business, we'll teach you how to fire them without
liability.
McNutt, Gant, Thrush & Ormsy - 206-727-0753
Chihuly glass shards and fragments. From $400. Seattle Museum for the Blind. 206-470-8330.
Cobain bits. KleenTeen House-cleaners. 206-939-0132.
Somebody giving hubby the eye?
Give the bitch warts ... fast!
Wart formula, with application mitt, $7.
206-939-0132.
Lincoln Memorial chunks. 1 lb. chunks, each numbered and certified.
206-727-0753.
Islamic women could teach us a thing or two about skin protection. My homemade
tanning chadors protect you from the harmful UV rays generated by tanning beds. And they'll look
great on you! 206-470-8330.
The parking, the crowds, the stench. This year, avoid the nightmare.
"Bite of Seattle" food festival on videotape. 2 hours, $14.95. We also have: Seafair hydro races;
Elliot Bay fireworks; cutting the umbilical; anniversary dinner at Sizzlers. 800-919-0976. MC or
Visa.
COMPOST. Delicious compost cakes, cookies and pastry products.
206-470-8330.
Does licking the back of the AIDS stamp
make you ...
nervous? Disposable tongue rubbers. $4.95 per box of twelve.
Al & Jim's
Homemade Condoms - 206-470-8330
Is that ... dried blood on your disposable
razor? Kenner Home DNA test. Includes sample of O.J. Simpson's blood for purposes of
matching. Who knows, perhaps you'll be lucky enough to testify at this season's hottest celebrity
murder trial. Fred Kenner, BA in Chemistry. 206-939-0132.
Rub-on tattoo-removal scars. Tattoos
'n Things. 206-727-0753.
SAVE ON YOUR WATER BILL By filling your water
bed with a fine varietal wine from Chinook Wineries. Delicious burgundies, sassy pinot blancs our
specialty. Or try a nice sparkling wine for invigorating vibra-massage action. All wines assessed by
professional wine-tasters. Guaranteed potable in emergency.
Wine. 'Cause it's not
just for drinking anymore.
Chinook Fine Expectorated Wines.
Just too busy? You love to do the NY Times crossword, but you're just too busy. I will
present you every morning with a finished puzzle, which you can then examine and enjoy at your
leisure (clues not included). Derek Personal Services, 206-470-8330.
Pest no
longer. You love to mutter to yourself, but it bothers others. I will mutter to
yourself, at home or at work. I am small and clean. Pleasant speaking voice. Will communicate idle
thoughts, quietly curse wife or boss. Derek Personal Services, 206-470-8330.
BARNEY
+ KIDS = FUN! Toddlers and teens alike love Barney. But youngsters (8-12) loathe him.
Bring them to the Puyallup Fairgrounds Mar 10. Third Annual Barney Shoot. Enormous purple neoprene
Barney filled with (non-animal) blood and viscera. $3 a shot goes to charity-to-be-named.
NIGHTMARE FUNERAL CATERERS Our staff of out-of-work actors, comedians
and mimes will put together a funeral to remember. 206-470-8330.
You love your fine jewelry. But
how many human lives is it equivalent to? Fast, friendly assessments. Von Lieb's Jewelers,
206-470-8330.
Now you no longer have to smell bad in order
to enjoy the benefits
of Aromatherapy. Wish I could explain, can't afford larger ad. Phone # next
week
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