Scene 12: CABLE ACCESS FOOTAGE
Description: Real snippets from Public Access Promos, used as if the movie had actual commercials that are so irritating someone keeps changing the channel.
How'd we do it? We don't have permission to use any of this and would refuse it if offered. Footage from Rice Queens, Racy Traci Show and Strummin' Time deemed too offensive for Doomed Planet. Alex wanted fake commercials because "that's what they had in Groove Tube." Production standards of Public Access shows make DP look pretty sharp indeed.

Scene 13: VERN FONK #1
Description: First Vern Fonk commercial: "Travesty of Justice."
How'd we do it? This is a real television commercial, commissioned, sanctioned and esteemed by the president of a real insurance agency. Rob was the only actor we deemed worth paying and this scene is a good place for the viewer to really wonder why. Rob is not only a fine actor but is also a fine agent for Vern Fonk Insurance and is available for theater, screen or commercial work and will sell you a competitive auto/motorcycle policy 1-800-654-7722. The Judge and The Lawyer each get a solo credit screen in the Final Credits even though we've never met these people and they have no idea they're in our movie. In no way, shape or form do we have permission to use this commercial.

Scene 14: TV TORTURE
Description: Taffy tortures Eva by making her watch Issues Today.
How'd we do it? In Issues Today, Raphael plays the retarded host of a TV call-in show. It's based on Talk Time, a real Public Access call-in show hosted by real-life 'tard Vincent Wilton. We are not at all apologetic about mocking Mr. Wilton because 'tards can't file lawsuits. Sheila's already had a bad Chihuly experience and refuses to kick the Chihuly off the table except with unconvincing girl kicks. Sheila screams bloody murder for ten minutes but the neighbors here in this diverse Capitol Hill 'hood are cinephiles and they sleep right through it. Same gaffer who destroyed important ferry footage destroys important 'tard footage; whole scene gets tossed. "Once more and you're fired," Alex warns.

Scene 15: DOOMED PLANET TV SPOT
Description: Doomed Planet Cult television commercial.
How'd we do it? Shot at TCI Studios. Alex forgets the camera battery, has to hitchhike back to Galaxaco Studios as various members of the cast and crew relax, wander away, never come back. Compilation of meat footage goes badly as Mr. Clark's beagle Jerry Anne repeatedly steals flank steak, sausage, sushi as he looks on approvingly. The same gaffer who destroyed the important 'tard footage destroys the important floating head footage. "I told you once more and you're fired," barked Alex. "And don't you forget it." Floating head footage reshot one year later using different haircut, make-up, same stupid joke.

Scene 16: SPARKLE/PILL CLOSET
Description: Mr. Sparkle talks about cults, deals with Dr. Pill.
How'd we do it? Alex has a lock-and-clasp mechanism on his closet door because that's where he used to keep Jim Hogshire. The "heroin" was in fact common bleached flour with a pinch of cocaine. Alex kept trying to do a slapstick-style crazy stumble over the headphone cord but he couldn't pull it off, he's that graceful. Our Director, Alex, is as hip as the next guy. But our tech teen spent five patient hours teaching him about the point-and-click method, moving the mouse to control the cursor, where the hands go when typing, etc.

Scene 17: MANIC SEDUCES CHALOS
Description: Manic invites Chalos to a Doomed Planet get-together.
How'd we do it? Costumer Shane contributes garments to scene and, wearied, goes home, never comes back again, although he calls periodically for return of garments. Passing Harley, other traffic, air molecules touching microphone destroy audio texture of scene. Without exception, every single male member of the cast and crew -- every grip and every gaffer, every fluffer and every best boy -- wanted to hold Erica's cue-card. Erica thought they were "creepy." We shot this important scene in the Diamond parking lot across from Galaxaco Studios, which they generously let us use in exchange for a promotional mention. By all means: if you're ever in Seattle and need a parking lot in which to shoot a low-budget movie starring a bunch of junkies and strippers, we recommend you use a Diamond lot because they'll let you use it in exchange for a "promotional mention."

Scene 18: DISSECTION
Description: Raphael and Taffy talk about murder; Charles Manson makes an appearance; Chalos comes in and gets himself carved up.
How'd we do it? Raven keeps screwing up the Manson swastika-tattoo joke because the real Charles Manson has a swastika-scar, not a tattoo. We had to use a stunt-double for the close-up stabbing because Raven just doesn't know how to stab somebody. R. Robert Mustapha surprised the DP cast and crew by writing his own lines! Extensive new dialogue lent zest to his exchanges with Taffy, who was reading from cue-cards. "I'll use my Starbucks business acumen" added an unanticipated element to his character, and his lengthy peroration on the Kute Kitty Logo brought the room to a hush. Mr. Clark himself looked on as the Editing Team later removed these lines and placed them in an acid bath. Raphael was fired following his important dissection work and of course the Broccolium commercial and later the Kurt Murder scene and then of course the Millennium Party. "That's it," declared Alex. "From now on the actors don't see their lines until the camera's rolling." And he kept true to that vow. Thirsty Line-Producer Heather goes into kitchen to get beverage, destroys footage being shot there, goes home, moves to New York. Those weren't actually Chalos' intestines. It was a common sausage casing filled with rendered meat products and grains and tinted with a dye solution. No animals were harmed. The sausage was commissioned from A&J Meats, who also contributed veal parts and a whole cow's kidney in exchange for being mentioned in the credits but we forgot. Raphael was not the only one out of control: Jerry Anne stole the kidney right off Chalos. We didn't warn Chalos he would have animal guts put on him and we didn't have to, that's all part of guerrilla film-making. Alex believed in getting verbal commitments, knowing glances or just vibes instead of signed releases from our musical contributors, and that led to some crazy situations. Example: we painstakingly edited the Dissection part of this scene to a grand, hard-rockin' tune by a local group called C Average. Then, when it came time to get permission for having done this, C Average was not answering the phone for weeks at a time. Right before deadline, we had to yank their great, mega-danceable music and slap in a couple of things by Leatherboy (signed release) plus some Doomed Planet Blues sung by a guy who lives outside Alex's building. Hey, C Average? Your music sucks. Taffy went to the store for a "stick of gum," and missed out on the Dissection part and all other remaining scenes. A man needs his gum.

Scene 19: BROCCOLIUM COMMERCIAL
Description: Inorganic broccoli substitute is advertised.
How'd we do it? Here the third of five Failed Smashed-Chihuly Gags scars the fancy-tiled kitchen floor of a gaffer's-mom. What's That Stench?, pt. 1: turns out you can't cook broccoli by holding it over an open flame. We had to shoot this scene twice, because the first Broccolium was spray-painted green, and green is not funny. Turns out blue is also not funny. To help Raphael "get into" his character of the gay cowboy, we told him to close his eyes and "connect" with the fag residing deep inside of him -- as one resides deep within each of us -- but then we couldn't get rid of the fucker and Raphael had to be fired for the second time.

Scene 20: SPARKLE/SHAYLA TAPE
Description: Mr. Sparkle visits Mary Jane, they watch tape.
How'd we do it? At around the time the movie was almost finished, Alex met and befriended Shayla, and asked the Screenwriting Team to write a part for her with perhaps some acting and some dialogue. Then, when Shayla was unemployed for about a month and had plenty of free time, her role was expanded. And since she was punctual and had lots of energy, she took over Alex's narration duties. Hear that clicking sound? That's Jerry Anne following the actors around. And that whimpering sound? That's Jerry Anne tied up in the kitchen. That "primitivist Art Deco lamp" by the TV is actually just one of our floodlights, which we thought we had lost but actually it was just in the wrong place. Performing live on the Hello! Show, Alex changes the scripted line "That's how cool cult-members are" to "That's how in-outer-space these cult-members are," which makes no sense. It would have been the funniest line in the film but now it's lost forever except in our minds. The gaffer's-mom said that, since the scene involves smoking, it would be okay to smoke in the house just this once. Everybody in the cast and crew, including the non-smokers, leapt at the chance, and now the house is ruined.

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