Shit To Do

(continued from last week's Pastiche) what with TV whale hunts and their festive casinos, Native-Americans have taken the top spot as the #1 most interesting minority among poll respondents who know about minorities, and the proud Kazakh-American community intends to respond to this blatant slap in the face by hunting, killing and eating a domestic Border collie for no reason, just as they did a thousand years ago on the verdant steppes of their native homeland, but first they need a collie. (If you have a collie you would like to contribute to this important cause, or if you know anything about the preparation of collie, please contact: Uighur Kyrz-Khahk, Kazakh Community Center, 665452 Lake City Way, 98321.)

GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR SELFLESS DEED 1998's Charity Walk to Help Fight Anger, Cramps, and Moles was a bust. And when last year's Charity Walk to Help Fight Unexplained Pregnancies earned not a single philanthropic farthing, snickering armchair cynics pointed out that there simply are no lesbian diseases important enough to merit a Charity Walk. That is blatantly discriminatory. Are the ladies going to take that lying down? No: hence this year's 1st Annual Charity Sit to Help Fight Fat Thigh Disorder. Please help the sisters in their fight to deserve an annual Charity Event by donating your vegan food items or barring that if you have a better idea they will happily switch disorders. (Off and on all weekend at the Seattle Center Food Court and surrounding areas. Please no flash photography, crying babies, males.)

TO HALT THE AGING PROCESS No one wants to live long enough to suffer from mortifying bowel and bladder problems and such, and that's why you've got to wonder what went wrong with nonagenarians: on what do they blame their remarkable longevity? Healthy activities and an avoidance of danger, probably. Anyway, that's the premise behind the city-sponsored Charity Run to Help Avoid Bowel Problems And Such, in which hundreds of local skate-boarder-dudes will be gathered up and made to run around in I-5 traffic for a very good cause indeed. (Time your commute for Saturday afternoon between 3pm and sunset.)

SCHIZO IN A MINOR It's rare anymore that Seattle music-lovers are treated to a concert of Post-Modern music because it is just awful and no one would attend. But audiophiles take note: this coming weekend features a veritable festival of atonal wonders -- including works by Brahms, Schubert and Bach -- as the Seattle Youth 'Tard Orchestra and Chorale takes the mainstage in Eckstein Middle School Gymnasium. (Friday 8pm. Audio devices are available for the hearing-abled.)

NEAT NEW USE FOR POLLUTION Those colorful WTO Riots made us all feel a bit frisky, and none more so than an elderly Fall City couple, Al and Ima Wedvik, who really got into the spirit of things by traveling to Seattle and thoroughly trashing the home of a local anarchist family. But imagine the Wedviks' dismay when the anarchists returned to a home strewn with filth and rubbish -- including moldering worm-ridden mattresses, half-eaten vegan pizza crusts, half-read and hideously dog-eared copies of Hustler, and piles of scrofulous human hair and dander -- and noticed nothing out of the ordinary. Can you help the Wedviks fulfill their dream by trashing the anarchic den in a meaningful way? The mischief-makers are away WTO-Rioting at the Lagos Special Olympics right now, so you'll have an entire week and boy you're gonna need it. (Bring your sewage and garbage to the 1st Annual Charity Trash to Inconvenience Anarchists, 21099 Broadway Ave. E., anytime next week.)

COME DISCOVER FOOD Vegans cannot extol the superiority of their creed if they're dead, so they must eat meat periodically. But that's hard to do without doing harm to veganism. Appeals to cows to voluntarily donate meat or even cud to this important cause have been ignored. But what about natural causes? Cows are complex creatures and can die without human assistance, by falling over, walking into trees, eating until they explode. Hence the 1st Annual Vegan Feed, in which starving vegans travel and in some cases are carried from all over to wolf down pan-fried steaks and chops from cows -- donated by the Texas Cattlemen's Guild -- which died naturally from mad cow disease. (Woodinville Feed Lot 5, Friday, from 1pm "until we run outta vegans.")

LIFE DETECTED ON STRANGE STAR Last year searchers for alien life finally gave up on outer space and realized that the key to discovering the truth is to turn our telescopes inward, on our celebrities, and guess what? Thanks to recent improvements, Cher's breasts are now 68% polypropylene and according to Star Trek Voyager fans that means they constitute the first contact with Malthusian life-forms, a plasmoid race from Delta Quadrant that briefly abducted Worff last season. The erstwhile glands -- eerily human-seeming and covered in cryptic markings as if from some intergalactic jailhouse -- are presently on loan to the traveling Alien Parts Exhibit; they are being kept alive in a nutrient bath so please wear gloves. (Seattle Part Museum, 1315 1st, through Thursday. Prices range from $18 for a complete examination to $1 for a quick squeeze.)

WILL WORK AS FOOD If violating someone's personal space is an important expression of one's ethnicity, then the debate can be spirited. And when a confused family of Maori tribespeople went to the Capitol Hill Food Bank and ate the attendant, there was much well-intended arguing and shouting about how to -- or even whether to -- protest our diverse new neighbors. But -- this being Seattle -- eventually cooler heads prevailed; and the Food Bank hired a gaunt, stringy and otherwise unsavory volunteer to man the Cap Hill outlet. Alas, the (continued in next week's Pastiche)

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