Wanker/Whitely

Feature
-- To a better Whitely --
It's with mixed feelings that we announce that the 2000 Seattle Whitely Best of Seattle Reader Poll was voted BEST Least Noteworthy Regularly Occurring Feature and BEST Most Unreadable Feature in the 2000 Seattle Whitely Best of Seattle Reader Poll. Exciting stuff, that; but our Features don't deserve awards [voted Least Award-Deserving in the '98 Reader Poll - ed.], and we were wondering ... a little ballot-box-stuffing by our crosstown rivals at the Wanker? But a quick phone call reveals that a) no, they never heard of it, and b) they cannot read. At any rate, there won't be any more 2000 Best of Seattle Reader Polls this year; our Spring Fashion Pull-out was last spring; and the Dept. of Sanitation has asked us to discontinue our special Fall Voting Throwaway. Enjoy.

Lifestyles
CULTURE Fledgeling Eastsiders new to anti-Semitism mistakenly shun "Hasmonites," a Jewish sect extinct for nearly 2000 years .... 17

ROMANCE Eastside women seeking a more considerate grade of stalker are wooing, dumping Mennonite Elders .... 17

ENVIRONMENT Kirkland livens dreary downtown playpark with junkies from sunny St. Tropez .... 17

APPEARANCE Decorating open manholes like festive margaritas: a quick, clean solution to Redmond's short-lived wino scourge .... 17

COMMUNITY There's simply no place for Serb Death Squads in Muslim-free Medina, says neighborhood group .... 17

ROMANCE United Way volunteers helping a blind Issaquah man stalk his ex-girlfriend haven't the heart to tell him she moved to Tucson two years ago .... 17

GIVING A Bellevue high-school girl's monthly fat-removal procedure helps feed a local family of Maori tribespeople .... 17

DESIGN Capitol Hill hopes to increase neighborhood diversity by driving out the last remaining normal people .... 17

FITNESS At last, affordable liposuction thanks to a new county program that sucks away that ugly fat post-mortem if you won't fit in the crematorium oven .... 17

PARENTING Your autistic toddler may be suffering from erectile dysfunction and not be able to tell you coherently .... 17

CARING Vegan Eastsiders are demanding a breast-reduction procedure that won't harm their precious meat .... 17

Breasts al Fresco

OUT & ABOUT Can the grunge drummer get ready for the big gig even if he's been dead for three weeks? Sure, thanks to Paul Allen's EMP whiz-kids .... 17

CARING Half a million potential sluts and bitches are lost each year to abortion, says Born-Again Christian Seth Warshavsky .... 17

MONEY Homeless man stumbles across dumpster full of amazon.com stock and becomes Belltown's newest thousandaire .... 17

ANIMALS It's running out of habitat, thanks to man's encroachment. So an Eastside group takes a field trip to spay and neuter the rare Siberian Tiger .... 17

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