You just get a little exercise and watch your eating, man, and losing weight is a fucking cake-walk. I lost about 40 pounds over the summer, no big panic about it, one day at a time, any weight gained back over the period not counting against the total, and I feel fanfuckingtastic ... Hey, all you hippie chicks who have those little hippie bells in your hair. Are you aware that you make an irritating tinkling sound during blow-jobs? ... Viagra is a bullshit idea, dudes. Think about it. The more erections you have, the greater the incidence of erection problems, including erectile dysfunction ... Fast Fact Dept. pt. 1: Waitresses will find this one interesting: as a rule, the larger the bust-size, the bigger the tip, and the more satisfying my dining experience ... I'm highly competitive by nature. So I've been giving some serious thought to entering next year's Special Olympics. I mean, have you seen it? Half the contestants are just fucking retarded ... When I get feminine itch I get it BAD: scalp, back, between my toes. So why isn't there a Vagisil for Men? ... They sit there and change the TV channel for you. They fucking feed you, dude. Every two hours they roll you to keep you comfortable. Idea for a new government program: Quad for a Day. Just tell me where to sign ... Let's say some dude channels back to one of his past lives, only to discover that he was dead. DUH! That's why it's called a past life and not a present one, dumbfuck! Happy now? Thirteen Inches of Shit Happy knowing you were dead?... Sometimes, even though it makes no sense, you just plain stink: clothes, body, breath. Then you realize: it's not you, it's your snot! Your snot's gone rancid! Come on, dudes! Get that rancid snot out of there! ... When Christians die, and they discover there's no heaven, just nothingness and void, I'm guessing that's about the time that Christianity begins to seem, well, can you say, "disappointing"? ... It's not like me to boast about my sexual exploits, but I did a little unofficial "tally" the other day and, by consulting my diary, and with the help of some friends who "jogged my memory," I determined that I've masturbated over 8,000 times. No, that's not a typo. 8,000 ... I tell you one thing that's truly excellent is the new superwide handicapped bathroom stalls at downtown Nordstroms for when my toilet reading requires my Amiga and my reference books ... Is it possible to transmit a communicable disease to your food? Or is that just another one of my "ridiculous" ideas? ... Thinking I might take a few classes at Massage School. I dunno. Last couple times I got a massage there was no blow-job, no nothing. I think I'm doing something wrong ... I was on the phone last night when it occurred to me there should be a service called "Called ID," to tell you who you just called. Because I had no idea who it was. It gave me this creepy feeling. I was just very uncomfortable ... Or how about a service that reminds you why you called? ... By the way, you know what a great, often overlooked obscene phone-call resource is, is the plain old GTE White Pages. It's probably sitting right there by your phone ... Yes, the fact you are in prison would be one of the negatives to having a prison bitch. But that is the only downside I can perceive ... Tony came up with this head-scratcher which has been boggling my mind: Let's say you're being prosecuted by the Federal Government for tax evasion. If you paid taxes, you would of course want to assist in any way possible with that prosecution, as a way of reducing costs. But you don't pay taxes! Now what?! ... Feelin' kinda restless. I wonder if it's too late to become the first lazy teen to conquer Everest? Nah, I'm just kidding. But still, it's kind of an interesting question. Who was the first? ... I'm the child of hippy parents. So you can understand that I'm constantly nervous about any genetic anomalies they might pass along. So I pretty much limit my interactions with them to email, phone calls, meals.

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