LAST WEEK -- Lesbians can't make babies by themselves, so for the last few years they've turned to David Crosby sperm for help in improving the viability of their otherwise inutile ova. But many have been the complaints about the low quality of the genetic material with which the sperm is tainted. Well, now good news. Celeron, the company that brought us the Human Genome Project, has engineered a whole new David Crosby sperm completely purged of Crosby defects. Celeron promises that new lesbian sirelings will arrive free of the morbid obesity, alcohol and drug addiction, faulty lungs and liver, diabetes, baldness and poor late-life career choices that have ruined Crosby progeny thus far, but will still be blessed with the Crosby humorlessness, anger, cramps and hairy moles.

LAST WEEK -- Current-events buffs will recall the story of Julia "Butterfly" Hill, the Oregon environmentalist hippie girl who undertook a lonely two-year vigil in the upper reaches of an ancient Douglas Fir to protest the use of paper products, only to be forced from her makeshift aerie after the enormous accruance of fecal matter, hair, dander, hygiene implements, cigarette butts and old lottery tickets mounded around the base of the tree choked off its root system and killed it. Well, last week she found her way back in the news after she was crushed beneath a badly-stacked cord of firewood as her posse of gaunt, weepy Greens looked on in bewilderment. And there was even more hippie-style head-scratching when medical workers arrived to harvest her organs and the firewood metaphorically refused to get off. And some of the vegan flower-children noted the sad, strange irony of the fact that lottery tickets are themselves paper products. Hippies are now blaming everything from global warming to toxic waste for the remarkably low quality of the current crop of hippies.

LAST WEEK -- Parents are not themselves lazy teens, they are the parents of lazy teens. So how to explain the twenty-odd paunchy, pony-tailed hippy-style parents marching in the 3rd Annual "Million Lazy Teen March" last week? "We're setting a good example and being role models for our lazy teens," was the explanation, as the aforementioned lazy teens watched in bewilderment or heard about it later. "In the 60's we marched and changed the world, as I recall," was another explanation of sorts. The jowly, bespectacled dads were the only participants in the March, which was to start at Seattle Center Skate-Board Park, proceed up 5th Avenue to Ralph's Market for the purchase of cigarettes, and then return. But it was quickly determined that 5th Avenue was full of rush-hour motorists who were themselves not participating in the March. And also placards were not provided, and when the promise of free soft drinks for the first 300,000 marchers proved to be a hollow one, the disgruntled parents ended up joining their teens for a little spirited hacky-sack, acts of public urination and vandalism.

LAST WEEK -- A flu-ridden Christian trouble-maker bluffed his way into the employ of our cross-town rival The Stranger, posing as an unqualified movie reviewer. During a quiet moment he licked a washroom doorknob, covering it with a sheen of flu-infected sputum, by which misdeed it was his wish that his co-employees in said offices would be similarly afflicted. By this single disgusting act the Papist devilkin managed to infect himself with peritoneal cankers, scrofula and dermitis, genital warts, conniption with fatigue and fever, and a litany of smegma disorders -- including smegmitosis, smegmarrhea and spastic smegma -- as well as problems with anger, cramps, dander, public urination and vandalism.

LAST WEEK -- The Seattle Coalition for Non-Violence -- a local coalition in favor of non-violence -- met the Seattle Coalition for Violence in a boxing match for charity last weekend, and the winsome, doe-eyed pacifists laid a good old-fashioned hippie-style ass-kicking on their opponents and raised $100,000 for peace causes.
"I don't like violence anymore," said swollen and bloodied SCV founder Bruno Murglan, who (continued in next week's Last Week's News)