The Wanker/Seattle Whitely is a satirical publication.

It has long been understood that fear -- simple, naked fear -- deters would-be plagiarists and intellectual-property thieves from burgling the handiworks of George Clark. Thus there is no need to inform readers that the contents of this publication are Copyright ©2000 by George Clark Services and may not be reprinted or reproduced in part or in whole without the written consent of the publisher. In any event, it is unclear why one would wish to do so: these materials are mean-spirited. But there's good news for copyright violators. Mr. Clark hereby gives his consent -- expressed here in writing -- for the reprinting or reproduction in part or in whole of any article, advertisement or image contained within the pages of The Stranger, a Seattle-area adult-content weekly for teens. These reprintings must be mean-spirited, and you will of course use them to ridicule the employees, physical facilities and reputation of The Stranger; you hereby have Mr. Clark's consent to publish these materials and distribute them city-wide, to place a number of harassing hate calls to the offices of The Stranger and also to ignore any subpoenas, court orders or writs of habeus corpus that might result from your ridiculous misunderstanding with The Stranger.

We welcome unsolicited manuscripts. These manuscripts must be clean, completely unsolicited and properly bundled. An important point: self-addressed stamped envelopes must be affixed with postage. A time-honored system that works for the benefit of all. This important postage will be used to help compensate us for the time and expense required in transmogrifying your works of journalism, prose or spirited poetry into a fine, powdery ash. Then, because this material is weightless, the U.S. Postal Service will dutifully return it to an address of your choosing at no additional cost to you.

Considering placing an advertisement in The Wanker/Whitely? Call our special Advertiser Hot-line, 1-900-467-8100, and listen to the prerecorded message in order to learn the following: advertisements must be fair-minded, germane, and reflect a positive attitude about the services or products described; advertisements must use mild, agreeable language representative of the standards of the community; you will not mention your business name in your advertisement; we will not print your advertisement; if your advertisement contains typographical errors they will be corrected at your expense and then your advertisement will be transmogrified into ash. Calls cost just $1.95 per minute.

Considering subscribing to The Wanker/Whitely? Each issue is an integrated, stand-alone parody tabloid and as such is far too valuable to entrust to the care of the U.S. Postal Service. But good news for subscription fans: there are any number of perfectly servicable free Seattle-based weeklies -- The Stranger, Seattle Weekly, Emerald Downs Tipsheet -- which one might subscribe to. Interested? We're presently offering a super-low annual subscription rate for any of the aforementioned periodicals of only $14.95 (that works out to less than 8¢ per issue!!) per pound provided that you are a licensed paper-waste facility, international ballast concern, or certified papier mâché materials fabricator.