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Wanker StaffersFEATURE
- WANKER VOTING GUIDE -
It's voting time again, and with it come the same old questions: what is voting? Does it have music? Our readable Voting Guide talks you through the process. Don't let being a teen stop you from taking part in the upcoming election, which is next week we believe or possibly last week, pg17

ART
- BEAUTIFYING PUBLIC ART -
For a surface like tungsten -- the light, porous metal Frank Gehry chose for the sleek new EMP -- local artists recommend red or black Magic Markers, pg17

READING
Those who read prefer Dilbert, observes Reading Editor TIM DERBY. It's about a crime-fighting dog named Dilbert, pg17

SOCIAL STUDIES
- MINDLESS MAYHEM WITHOUT THE HASSLE -
Not all crimes are illegal. Snub your nose at the American Legal System by stealing and vandalizing your own CDs using our simple two-step process, pg17
ALSO: The Supreme Court should more accurately reflect America, so the next nominee should be a 'tard. Or so opines 'Tard Editor SKIPPER WILCOX, pg17

MATH
- I HATE BEING MATH EDITOR -
Turns out odd numbers are actually quite common. Math Editor MARK PLUNKETT cites some examples, pg17
ALSO: Arabic numerals don't always add correctly. Math Editor MARK PLUNKETT demonstrates, pg17

TYPOGRAPHICAL ERRORS
- ARE WE RUNNING OUT OF MORONS? -
Typographical Error Editor KIP COX googles Utah to find out, pg17


COLUMNS
EAT: Savory new 7-11 corn-dog has even more corn and dogmeat.
SHIT: "What'd I eat today?" How to tell.
SLEEP: Sleep-walk for a calmer, less jittery shoplifting experience.
EAT: Local vegan must eat meat or tape-worm will die.
SHIT: Difficult enough without adding "toilet-reading" to the task.
SLEEP: Electro-shock device can tell you if you're asleep.
EAT: Escargot not cute enough to be animal life, say vegans.
SHIT: Every year sewer workers score thousands of free syringes.
SLEEP: Controlled use of narcolepsy transforms M's game into minute of thrills.

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