We are Dykes Against Parody. Parody discriminates against radical feminists. Example: is this a real ad or merely a parody of an ad? Frankly we cannot tell, and that makes us look like idiots. We are presently seeking a person who understands computers to destroy this web-site, although please wait two weeks before destroying so that this ad can have time to circulate. Call us at: dykes@aol.com BITTER FEMINIST MARRIAGE COUNSELING End the rancor and divisiveness. Let a bitter feminist perspective help you end your marriage fast. Mandy Feldmyn-Farouk 206-727-0753 BITTER FEMINIST SCHEMATIC DIGITIZERS Schematic digitizers designed by -- and for! -- women. Is there such a thing? I need 14 of them, fast. I recently inherited my husband's company and fired the staff. I will prove that a woman can succeed in a male business environment, but I need help. What exactly is a schematic digitizer? Call now! ALLIED SCHEMATIC DIGITIZER, INC. 206-470-8300 RADICAL DYKE BABY CARE Affiliated with Evangelical Christian Ministries and providing quality day-care services to Christian working families since 1968. And what a great, nurturing environment we provide! We encourage married couples of any Christian denomination to bring their radical dyke infants and toddlers in to see and enjoy our colorful play area, punishment chamber and gymnasium. -- Mr. and Mrs. Robert Taggart 23021 SW Fauntleroy. Apt #1321 -- DYKE PLUMBING REPAIR & INSPECTION The R.J. Dyke Company has been providing quality plumbing repair and inspection to the Seattle area since 1949. There may have been some sort of mistake. We did not place this ad and do not wish to advertise in this publication. This is the third time this has happened. For the love of god please stop tormenting us. R.J. DYKE COMPANY 3445 NW MARKET ST. SEATTLE WA NAUGHTY NANCY'S HOUSE OF BONDAGE is under new management. Now we're HOGENFELLER NON-SEXUAL BONDAGE SERVICES Same location. Same staff of experienced binders and disciplinarians. Now offering a wide range of bondage services for a variety of business applications. Free consultation. 206-939-0132 AROMATHERAPY ... THE NATURAL WAY! Healing the mind & body through appropriate smells. In-home smell analysis. I will happily exude any of up to 9 distinct odors in order to correct your smell imbalances. Also useful for pest control. Liven up a party or bar mitzvah. Jules Merriman - 206/812-1916 MAC QUADRA 64MB RAM, 250 KHZ, 500 MEG INT HD, 120 MEG EXT, INCLUDES 56K INTERNAL MODEM AND INTERNAL 4LB BALLPEEN HAMMER, $20 O.B.O. 206-774-1429 At last! PAIN-FREE PENIS ROLFING The secret's in the wrist action. Let me show you. MITCHELL JENKIN 206-727-0753 NON-SEXUAL FELLATIOTHERAPY Feel better, relax tired muscle. MITCHELL JENKIN 206-727-0753 PENIS ENLARGEMENT No surgery, creams, or therapy. Let me show you. MITCHELL JENKIN 206-727-0753 COME SEE THE NEW VEGAN WHITE TIGER CUB! At Woodland Park Zoo. A gentle wonder of nature. Eats only greens, rinds, seeds. Environmentalists will want to come marvel at little Chinga before his death sometime next week. Special group rates. 206-470-8300 ADORABLE DOMESTIC HAIRLESS KITTENS! In only 5 minutes! CatWaxer Salons. 3 locations, call 206-939-0132 BULIMIA PUMPS $40 AMERICAN MADE Fill belly, autoregurgitate, spritz with mint freshener. A complete bulimic episode in only two seconds. Make more efficient use of your time. 206/812-1916 HOMELESS SERVICES Providing a complete range of licensed notary services since 1989. Courteous, fast and responsible. Please have ID ready. Fees are reasonable and you can pay me in loose change, clean trousers or a warm place to sleep for the night. -- Jim Wilkins, Pioneer Square area. Just ask for Notary Jim! -- NAUGHTY NANCY'S HYPOALLERGENIC DILDOS Pleasure your nipple, tongue and nasal pierce-holes with our line of stainless-steel dildettes and vibrating needles. 206-774-1429 AMAZING JAPANESE NUMEROLOGY CHARTS Absolutely indecipherable. Use for decoration, distinctive gift-wrap, make eerily accurate prognostications if that is your wish, many other uses. PO BOX 175505 SEATTLE 98107 GREAT BREASTS IN ONLY 2 DAYS! Internet Porn? Forget about it. Your own great breasts to squeeze and squeeze in only two days. Or put breasts on a pal as a gag. ESTROGEN INFUSION SYSTEMS -- 206-727-0753 CHANNELING INSTRUCTION FOR VEGANS Vegetarians and particularly young vegans will appreciate this 30-minute audiotape that teaches how to channel Viking legend Erik the Red into your body in a nurturing, non-invasive manner so that you can eat meat on occasion. He doesn't mind and in fact is quite appreciative. Phoebe Bostrom 206-470-8300 AIR GUITAR LESSONS. NO EXP. NEC. "Where do I hold my hands?" Learn! Stop looking like a fool. 30 minute instructional audiotape, $14.95. 206-939-0132 MOSHING LESSONS IN YOUR HOME! Must have wheel-chair access. 206/812-1916 NON-COAGULATING STAGE BLOOD Cost-effective. Use again and again. ALLIED HEMOPHILIA SYSTEMS 206-774-1429 HAVE YOUR STAGE BLOOD TESTED FOR HIV At any of our clean, professional clinics. E-Z Testers, several locations 206-727-0753 CAN'T FOCUS? TROUBLE PAYING ATTENTION? THOUGHTS UNCLEAR? St. John's Wort, $12.95 for 12-oz. bottle. Also Ginkoba, DMSO, Aloe extract tablets. Volume discounts. Bee jelly balm, echinacea. Powdered bone, gypsum pills, wool-fiber poulstice, ginseng swabs. Colon therapy, aromatherapy, bogus St. John's Wort made from wood pulp and dye, $16.95 for 12-oz bottle. Medicon Pill House Fabricators International, 1-822-712-8774 SEXY MAKE-OVERS FOR GUYS! AT LAST! Rub-on herpes sores, spray-on band smell, certificate of unemployment. In just five minutes. $40. 206-727-0753 ENDANGERED SPECIES HELP THE ENVIRONMENT And we got 'em! Thousands of rare hairless pink tree shrews. Volume discounts, custom orders, instructional video available. EarthFirst Clearinghouse -- 206-470-8300 TOPLESS HOUSE-CLEANING What a treat. House-cleaning with my top off. I'm 26, well-built, quite attractive (I'm told), and I'll follow you from room to room and advise you on where I keep my cleaning tools and how to use them if you're not familiar. My house has three levels so no invalids, geriatrics. Mrs. Bionca Tarvin 206-939-0132 GET THE MOST OUT OF LIFE. In a full five years I have not once had to "negotiate" a crowded sidewalk. Interesting how earnestly pedestrians step aside and if they don't step aside, I INSIST that they step aside. I don't have a dog but I do have a kitten. And Simon comes right into the restaurant with me and eats there at the table. -- Do I really need to go on? -- The Kevin R. Wozniak International School of Acting Blind P.O. Box 42210, San Francisco, CA 81001 ASSHOLE NO MORE You are in public place pretending to having an important conversation on your cell phone but you can't pretend it and it seems that you are an asshole! No more. Next time, picture yourself convincingly: -- fire an inferior; -- prevent loss of life in a Third World land of your choosing; -- "I demand a company car. Now!" Simply reading from one of our professional-written one-person dialogues that you can use again and again. Get the most out of the expensive cell-phone! And onlookers? "Sit up and take note!" BANJHI SADR AND SON CELLPHONE FABRICATORS 206-727-0753 "There's so much going on in my life right now. Is this really the best time?" YES IT IS. If you and a loved are presently planning a marriage or elopement: congratulations! Now's the perfect time to get your divorce papers prepared and on file so you can take advantage of our super-low springtime rates. McNutt, Gant, Thrush & Ormsby Attys-at-Law 206-470-8300 DANCERS AVAILABLE FOR PRIVATE PARTIES ST. VITUS SANATORIUM AND DANCE DISPENSARY 206-939-0132 EMBARRASSING TATTOO?? The stares and unwanted attention. What to do? Embarrassing tattoos require proper placement. A fact which some tattoo practitioners forget when applying embarrassing teen tattoos. Let's talk. Proctological Designs, Inc. -- 206/812-1916 AS SEEN IN TATTOOPS! MAGAZINE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE Irka's Amazing Psychic Prediction Systems. Half-price on all fortunes and prognostications! Come one come all! And do it soon! We will be going bankrupt on August 3rd of next year because not a single one of you will respond to this advertisement. Irka Ginnis 206-774-1429 You are somebody. Yup, that's right. YOU ARE SOMEBODY All those Alcohol- and Chemical-dependency meetings you attend. Even though you never identify yourself, you always have something to say. Call us! Our experts have the courage and the skill to identify you at these and other public forums, provide you with other pertinent details about yourself, and even determine the extent of the damage. NAMELESS ANONYMOUS 206-727-0753 YOU CAN'T BE A SLUT IF YOU CAN'T GET LAID Sign up for our free -- and fun! -- half-hour seminar. Our crack team of specialists will get you fully prepped and ready for your 15 to 20 minutes of fame. Jerry Springer Guest Developers 1-900-421-5050 MEREDITH: KUMBAYA DOES YOUR CHILD NEED A PROSTATE EXAM? Proctology Practice Puppets will prepare him/her for the traumatic experience. Choices include Barney, Homer Simpson, Fred Rogers. Please include ring size. 1-800-441-8800
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