 How do we do it? It's
simple: we make money every time a reader calls and responds to an ad! So keep in mind that, when
composing your personal ad, we need you to make an effort to describe yourself in a way that makes
you seem appealing to others. No one responds to personal ads placed by the unattractive; why would
they? We sympathize with the unattractive -- and your ads are often amusing and informative -- but
we are not some sort of public service. We are a vibrant, growing sex-positive teen weekly with
considerable monthly expenses. Here are a few tips:-- If
you are balding, pimply, fat or old, do not place an ad.-- If you are a regular reader of our personal ads, do not place an ad that describes your
personality in depth.-- When composing your ad,
have friends and acquaintances help you come up with approximate spellings so that our proof-readers
will know what you are trying to communicate.You who have followed the above recommendations and find that your ad still conveys your unattractiveness into the mind of the reader might try the expedient of haiku, because an unattractive person can of course be described using language that is itself quite lovely. Haikus are poems rendered in lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables respectively. Whimper readers are themselves generally monosyllabic, however; at any rate, the Whimper does not accept poetry submissions. Good luck, unattractives. |
To assist you in your reading
pleasure: instead of category headings that insult your intelligence, we are inserting throughout
these personal ads bold, provocative, unused band names, which are available for sale or rent for a
small copyright fee. I AM LOOKING FOR a strong, literate man to write this ad for me. -- 6656 I AM AN OLD MAN who cannot afford either pornographic videos or a VCR. Perhaps the Clinton health plan will remedy this, but that is neither here nor there. I am seeking a young, fit, heterosexual couple to perform sexually for me. I have no idiosyncracies: you may do the things that you normally do. One favor, however: I would like to be able to pretend I am controlling you with my VCR remote. Simulate the rewind function. Fast-forward through the boring parts. Put you on pause for lavatory breaks or if I get a phone call. I cannot pay you, but I can help you with your taxes, if you pay them, or I can read to you from a newspaper or magazine. -- 8965 MEN. You've been raping us all these years. How'd you like a taste of your own medicine? Try being an unwilling participant in a sex act! You might find it intriguingly different. Must sign waiver stating clearly that you do not wish to participate in said sex act, that you will resist to the fullest extent of your powers, and that you will take extensive precautions to ensure that said act will not be allowed to occur. We guarantee a hot, kinky time for us. -- 8711 WF SEEKING the thrill of interracial sex. Are you an African-American man willing to indulge my fantasy? You must under 30, tall, extremely light-skinned or Albino, with straight hair and sharp, Germanic features. -- 3722 NEED A MAN. Tired of pretending I enjoy being "empowered and independent." I realize now I need a man in my life to be truly happy. You are: 30-35, intelligent, great sense of humor, and tall is a plus. I am a young-looking 32, diminutive, with a pretty smile and I am told very lovely eyes, a soft, feminine body waiting to be held, trim beard, curvaceous legs. -- 7655 I LOVE A BIT OF bestiality now and again. But "doggy-style" is something that I, as a feminist, find degrading. I'm seeking a mid-sized dog who is not so uptight that he can't branch out and explore new things. -- 2568 I LIKE IT DOGGY-STYLE, but I have this life-long phobia about dogs. Would like a gentle sex-partner who could service me ... you know, that way ... but not simulate the style of a dog. Last partner was a disaster. Hip thrusts, salivation, scratching, it was awful! Need partner who is proficient in other animal styles. -- 8802 STRAIGHT-SEEMING gay man sought to be my escort at family reunion. You will be introduced euphemistically as "my friend." Again, you must be straight-seeming, but gay, for after. -- 4848 GENERATION X Revolution Club. We meet twice a week for games, dance to music, smash state, potluck, sex on floor, etc. Fun! Always eager for new members. Plenty of great bands or bring your own! Seeking benefactors, parents to help our important Cause. Need blankets, food, weapons, pot. Thank you. -- 0955 MALE-TO-MALE TRANSSEXUALS meet monthly to swap penises, organize outings, learn about penis history and lore. Always seeking new and interesting members, including: mottled, bent, botched circumcision. Certified doctors. No STDs, painful piercings. -- 8757 HANDS THAT NEVER TIRE! I love to give long, deep, nurturing massages to women of all ages with my strong, inexhaustible artificial arms. Who can resist? -- 1680  I SAW U. At Belltown Billiards. You: WM, about 25, long brown hair
pulled back in pony-tail. M's cap set backwards at rakish tilt. Plaid shirt, Doc Martens. Two
earrings in left ear. Cut-offs. Unfiltered Camel hanging from lip. Lizard tattoo on arm. I was the
blonde, non-smoker, who came up and told you how foolish you looked, then walked away. But later I
felt a, I don't know, a twinge of regret. After two weeks of reflection, I just want you to know
that I need you to contact me so that I can show you to my friends. -- 5490I FUCKED U. Virginia Inn Rave, 2/18. Mosh pit. U: petite blonde, lizard tattoo, backwards cap. During moment of extra-good moshing, there was accidental insertion and ejaculation. Oops! You did not seem to notice. And now I would like to see notarized certification that you are relatively disease-free or I will contact my attorney. -- 7311 U SAW U. Broadway Market Cinemas, 3/10. Long hair pulled back in pony tail, plaid Lollapalooza T- shirt, nipple ring in left ear. You saw yourself in reflective glass, stopped and enjoyed for awhile, then moved on. -- 6676 I SAW ME. I wasn't anywhere near Broadway Market that day, dude. I know for a fact I didn't even go out that day. I was asleep. I know for a fact. Fuck you, asshole. -- 6676 NOVICE MAN-HATER needed as house-mate. Hate men but don't know why? Great opportunity. Queen Anne 5-bedroom home. Fireplace, view, sauna. To share with 5 Seattle T-birds players. You will cook, clean, change channels, care for us. -- 2131 MASSAGE EXCHANGE. Boy seeks girl for regular massage exchange. Serious replies only, please. Massage shoulders, back, penis, then fellate penis. -- 7891 TALENTED TONGUE wants to go down on you! SWM seeking F who wants to experience nasty oral sex. Would really love to tongue-swab your backside. Nasty! Then will proceed to floor, dog-food bowl, toilet including inside of tank. -- 3895 I LOVE MOVIES! But I am hard-of-hearing. I need to have someone tell me what's happening in the movie. I cannot pay, and my hole is no longer servicable, but during slow parts I can regale you with tales of World War II. -- 2167  ARE YOU A HOT,
erotic, safe picture of a naked lady? Hot Latin boy seeks pornographic image to watch during
masturbation. Sound interesting? I hope so. It's a lot of kinky fun, and safe, too. Lesbians,
straight, bi okay. -- 3070AFTER YEARS of intensive counseling, recently I at long last got in touch with my inner child. Now all I want to do is masturbate and watch TV. If you would also like to get in touch with your inner child, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope along with $15, and you will receive detailed instructions on how to do it, carefully typeset and proof-read by my Mom. -- 6170 HEY, BABE ... gotta monster butt? Four studly dudes are keenly interested in you and your hot, super-wide ass. The wider the better. It's time you used that extra-thick, beefy butt to please some very manly young studs. You will be playing center for our tavern-league basketball team, setting picks and clearing a wide swath through the key. Under no circumstances are you to touch the ball. -- 1420 I'M LOOKING FOR A SWF, 30-35,who I could strangle and dump in the undergrowth along the Green River ... but I'd settle for a SWF, 30-35, who enjoys moonlit walks, baseball, cuddling ... and more?? -- 5470 ARE YOU A MAN who has no idea that he's gay? We need you to volunteer for an important cause. Bumstead Spa & Sauna is losing money and will have to shut down if we don't find new members! We are running out of gay and bisexual men and so now we're going to have to branch out. We have a lot of fun and it's a great place to spend leisure time. This is ridiculous. We had plenty of members just five years ago. If you are unaware that you're gay and even if you are quite sure that you are not, we would love for you to come down and be shown that gay side of yourself that you didn't know existed. -- 4565 THIS IS DIFFICULT for me to say. My husband died not long ago. And since then -- this is awkward for me -- I find that I am not receiving the ... "attention" I find I need. I'm sure you know what I'm trying to say. There is a ... part of my body -- it is soft and warm -- and it is not being "taken care of". In my life I have allowed very few to touch me there: but my husband is dead now, as I've said. I need a young man with strong hands who can ... "attend to" that part of me. It needs to be squeezed softly, gently washed, removed, flushed with Colon-Kleen and replaced. And if you require "sex" in return like my late husband did then you can go straight to hell. -- 9067 SWM, 32, paraplegic (but with full use of my arms!), into music and old movies, seeking SWF, mid-20's, average build, who stole my motorized wheelchair back in February. I made it through Belltown, Cynthia, and I'm halfway up Queen Anne Hill. How's it feel to be the hunted one for a change? Not much fun, eh, bitch? -- 9340 | SWM SEEKS SF, race unimportant, educated and trim, to call me
during phone sex. I will not answer, but the incoming call will generate a mild electrical charge
against my prostate that will give me the stimulus I require. -- 7730 CALLING ALL SKATE-BOARDERS! New wheelchair ramp at Queen Anne Masonic Temple! -- 3509 SO ... WHAT ARE YOU? Transexual, transgendered, bi-sexual, a-sexual, lesbian, gay, non-sexual man is looking for new sexual anomalies to add to my repertoire. -- 2213 RAISING MONEY FOR OPERATION. Need to be surgically separated from my siamese-twin brother. We are joined at hips, front to back. He is mildly retarded. I love my brother. But the bastard keeps humping me! Anyway, to raise money we've put together a little show for parties, etc. Warning: it is extremely X-rated, not for the squeamish. -- 8096 MOIST, PLIABLE HOLES? We got 'em! Thousands of holes to choose from, all available at discount prices. Come on in! Surplus Swiss Cheese City, Renton. -- 7651 I AM A NURSE AT Swedish Hospital. One of my patients is young Brian. He is what is commonly referred to as a "boy in a bubble": he has spent his entire life sealed inside a hermetic air-chamber. Tragic, yes, but despite this he has a fairly full life: school, hobbies, even friends. Well, Brian just turned twelve last month, and he doesn't have much time left. There is one experience which I fear he may never have: a sexual experience. It breaks my heart, that he may die never having known the passion of physical bonding with another. I am seeking an attractive young woman who might provide him with that experience. I do not think I ask too much. It would make all the difference for him. One night, you simply enter his room, wearing an attractive, fairly discreet negligee, and then, using the mechanical arms, you flog him gently. Think how much this would mean to him. -- 0234 PEE ON ME. And I will pee on you. Love that salty taste in your mouth? Me too! For the time being we will need to Fedex the urine to each other because I am in prison. Vegan diet a plus. -- 2030  BE
MY SEX-SLAVE? Raising money for a trip to Italy. I'm going to apprentice in a master stone-sculpting class in Turin! Need to sell a sex-slave to Middle Eastern business interests by August
2nd. -- 4099THAT BORING OLD S&M just doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe it's me. I dunno. Hitting, hitting, hitting. Yawn. Why can't we just hold each other? You can gently caress my hair. I want to hear your secrets, your inner feelings. While you hold me tenderly. Not long: just for a few minutes. I know that's all I'll need before passing out from the pain. -- 8818 WHAT EVER HAPPENED to smoking after sex? In this increasingly "P.C." world, an age-old pleasure is now so often frowned upon. Not at Texas John's Smokehouse. Smoke after sex all you want; above your head will hang flanks of beef, rashers of pork, golden brown briskets, all taking in that deep-delicious smoke-house flavor straight from your lungs. Next time you have sex, come on down to Texas John's and do the culinary world a favor. No gays, fatties, or underage couples. Please be presentable. Please call ahead and make an appointment. Mrs. Johansen would prefer that couples not hold hands or otherwise physically express their affection to each other while she is cleaning out the grease vents. -- 2212 ACT-UP IS SEEKING A MEMBER of Promise-Keepers who's also into S&M. Does that describe you? Are you into the "S" side of S&M? We've got something you might really be interested in. As has been recently announced, the demolition date for the Kingdome has been set for August 22, 1999. We need you to schedule a Promise-Keepers convention there on that date. That's an entire afternoon of quirky sadism. We'll handle everything else. If you are more into masochism, we can arrange for you to attend the aforementioned meeting. What've you got to lose?? Please call! -- 0822 LINE UP, LADIES! Last January I had silicon implants inserted in my scrotum. Now I'm healed up and ready to go. You oughta see these babies! Firm yet supple, big and beautiful: squeeze and enjoy! C'mon, who's first? -- 5509 CARE TO ... "exchange fluids," as they say? Heh-heh. Baby, I got what you want. All the tasty pussy juices you can lap up, tiger, in exchange for one pint of human blood plasma. -- 4134 THEY SAY YOU CAN'T change a man who's set in his ways: do you think you have what it takes to change me? Doubt it. I'm pretty set in my ways. But there's always a chance. SWM, mature and professional, hobbyist and movie buff, seeks SWF with similar interests who has what it takes to change my daily diaper. I am physically fit and have a permit to carry a concealed weapon, so honestly I don't think you can do it. -- 9111 YOU WANT ME TO change your diaper, don't you? Yes you do. You want me to take off your cloth diaper and wipe you clean with a soft tissue, and you want me to put powder on you so you'll smell fresh and sweet. Don't you? Yes, you do. I know you do. I know you do because you scream and cry all fucking day and half the fucking night. And you stink! Jesus Goddamn it! Soon you'll be old enough to read this and then you'll know what an evil, awful, awful baby you were! -- 4377 YOU WANT ME TO change your diaper, don't you? You want me to take off your cloth diaper and wipe you clean with a soft tissue, and you want me to put powder on you so you'll smell fresh and sweet. Don't you? Yes, you do. And as I think about this it occurs to me that in all likelihood you could do all of this yourself. I mean, isn't that correct? Why exactly is it necessary for me to play a role in these proceedings? If you honestly cannot change your own diaper, then I suspect you should be seeking the assistance of an in-home care-giver instead of an old woman placing a personal ad. -- 4309  TAX-PROTESTERS
and reactionaries who missed out on the opportunity to defile the corpse of Senator Warren Magnuson
back in 1986 will want to take note: I have chanced upon a flask of biles and other materials drawn
from the senator's liver during autopsy and subsequently misplaced due to a bookkeeping error. It is
a milky blue and actually quite striking. All bottled up and ready to defile as you see fit.
"Payback is a bitch ... eh, Senator?" Anyway, please call. -- 6400MAYBE SOME OF YOU saw that ad last week that read: "Tall, well-built T/V, hardly been used, $200 obo." A word of warning: "T/V" stands for "transvestite," there are no televisions involved whatsoever, and the fucker only stands about 5'5". -- 3215 SOILED PANTIES? You want 'em, we got 'em. Man are they soiled! Ask for Timothy Rowan, Pierce County Coroner's Office. -- 7727 I JUST NEED a little time. A month at most. And then I will be yours. And you need to know something, my love: I will never betray you. I will never lie to you. I will never do anything -- intentionally -- to hurt you. And I will always be there for you, in any way that you desire ... yes, that means "sexually." And in return, I ask only one thing from you: you must never, ever let the "scientists" get ahold of my organs. -- 7755 TO DONNA: I want you to tell me what you want me to do to you, babe. I need to hear you say it. When to be rough, when to be soft. When to get freaky, and when to ease up. Yeah. I want you to tell me exactly. Word by word, babe. I want you to tell me in writing and also I need you to sign it, so that we won't have this kind of communication problem again after I get out next year. -- 5126 THIS IS MADNESS! I know how this works. Your eyes went straight to the first personal ad and proceeded on hungrily from there seeking sexual terms and swears. You're completely oblivious to everything being written here. What would I have to do to get your attention? Write "eat my pussy"? "Fuck me, fuck me"? Sickening! I will not stoop to such ... oh. It seems you've stopped to take notice. Alright, I'll make this brief. Mature Christian woman, mid-50's, divorced, seeks mature WM, professional, for light socializing and companionship. -- 8090 YOU: A TALL, BUXOM blonde, 30-35, into sailing, classical music, good food and good wine, who enjoys an occasional Mariner's game (and celebrating at Duke's after!) and who enjoys trying new things and especially meeting new people. ME: SWM, 30-35, not interested in any of those things. Great. I really think these ads should have category headings. -- 6011 |
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