Note: ads are unsavory, do not respond. To assist you in not responding, each ad has been affixed with a four-digit identifier code. For example, "0001" means "Do not respond," "0002" means "Really do not respond," and so forth. As well, computer-designed category headings will help you in not responding.

CONFUSED YOUNG MAN. I have doubts and confusion about my sexual persuasion. Virginia Inn Rave, 2/18. Mosh pit. U: petite, pink hair, lizard tattoo, backwards cap. During moment of extra-good moshing there was accidental insertion and ejaculation. And now I find I need to know your gender. The Pride Parade is this week and I need to know whether or not to attend, and, if so, as what. -- 7311

BE SENSIBLE. Are you considering becoming a transsexual? Chan Labs now offering PRE-PIERCED genitalia. Avoid the pain, bleeding, possible malfunction. -- 6656

SEX OPPORTUNITY. Heterosexual man born with female anus. Something for everyone. Come one, come all. -- 8965

HERMAPHRODITE? Are you a hermaphrodite trapped inside a woman's body? My husband has a shriveled, useless penis I no longer need. Just attach and you're all set. He probably won't even notice. Will swap for bakeware, other. -- 8736

HELP. Am baby trapped in woman's body. All day dance, eat chili. Help please kill lady. -- 9082

HOLE AVAILABLE. Homosexual hermaphrodite has hole available. One hole only, please. Other hole not available. Which hole is available has yet to be determined. Please note that use of wrong hole will result in call to police. Other hole, please enjoy. -- 6543

HERMAPHRODITES: Is your penis trying to boink your vagina? Can lead to shamed feelings, STD cross-contamination, even charges of incest. Chan Labs has developed a system that uses the principle of the alligator-clip to curtail arousal. Call and talk to one of our trained salespersons. -- 8711

AIR-FISTING. Fashioned after Hollywood-style air-kissing. Avoid the awkwardness, mess. I am available 24 hours. -- 3722

USED CAR. 1997 Ford Fiesta, a/c, cassette, extras. Drives great. We're sorry to see her go because our springer spaniel Molly had a litter of pups in the back seat! Sentimental value and all that. Pups had to be destroyed. $2200 obo. -- 7655

DOMESTIC BLISS. Chocolate-flavored Saliva. $4 per pint. Don't put up with that rancid taste in your girlfriend's mouth any longer. Give her a swig before make-out session. Domestic bliss. Also available in cheesy nacho and ranch. -- 2568

KINKY. You can't make your Inflatable Sex-Doll an amputee because she would leak but what if you just attached an artificial limb and pretended? Add a little "zing" to your hump sessions because I have artifical limbs available but please have them back by morning so I can get the twins dressed for school. -- 8802

KINKY. Normally Inflatable Sex-Dolls don't work in the pool during doggy-style. But I know the secret, and it involves carefully positioned lead weights. Send for my kit. Do-it-yourself instructions. Note: lead is toxic to children so please do not use when children are present. -- 4848

JOIN US. According to the Scriptures, a devout Christian, when subject to persecution, must "resist not the offense, nor striketh back with wrath, but must bear the offense, as Jesus bore the offense of his malefactors." The Promise-Keepers gather every weekend at the Mural Amphitheatre. My apartment overlooks this area, providing a great opportunity to pelt Christians with hacky-sacks. It is good times, as they are helpless to do anything about it because they're Christians. Show up around noon for the fun. -- 0955

BI AND CURIOUS. I love bisexual intercourse but am curious about heterosexual or homosexual intercourse. What is it like? Would I enjoy it? Help me learn. -- 8757

POLYGAMOUS ...? I've always known since I was little that I am polygamous, but I can't help wondering. What is monogamy like? Would I like it? Help me learn about the "monogamy" experience for an hour or two. -- 1680

SAME SEEKING OTHER. Same seeking other. -- 5490

OTHER NOT SEEKING. Private, quiet, not seeking. Please respect my privacy and discreet non-seeking needs. Queers and other non-others need not respond. -- 7311

SERVICEABLE HOLE AVAILABLE. Ready for immediate use. This is a good hole, and I am easy to work with. I am a born-again Christian so uses will be limited to storage of keepsakes, other valuables. -- 6676

HOLE NEEDED. Will be discovered in cup of Wendy's Chili. Will split proceeds pending successful outcome of lawsuit. -- 6676

HOLE FOUND. Public restroom, King Street Station. It is either a scrap of raw chicken or a human hole. Contact me soon before your hole goes bad. -- 2131

STABBING VICTIM. Evening of Dec. 8 in Belltown, corner of 1st and Battery. Have serviceable hole. You will want to move quickly to take advantage of this great opportunity because it is healing fast. -- 7891

CHICKEN-SEXER NEEDED. Chicken-sexing is the process of identifying the sex of new-born chicks. For the last three weeks we have been deluged with applicants who have not bothered reading past the first three words. For the love of god please read this entire ad before responding. Cascade Poultry. -- 3895

ATTENTION. To whomever it was that pelted me with blood-soaked hacky-sacks at the Promise-Keepers Convention last weekend: I have them and if you'd like them back be aware that I've cleaned and sterilized them. Please let me know where you'd like me to mail them. If it is an emergency I can express mail them. Amen. -- 2167

HELP! I taught my hole how to "talk" as part of an interactive stage act and then the damned thing went and chatted up and eventually seduced a 16-oz. Pepsi bottle and, well, now I need surgery. HE-ELP! Willing to option rights to my story. -- 3070

INFECTIOUS LAUGH. Hearty, resonant belly-laugh. Irresistible. People gather round. I love my work. Hire me to work at Promise-Keepers Conventions, gatherings of Republicans. Highly infectious. Have bronchitis, tuberculosis, so many others. Pick disease, leave the rest to me. -- 6170

WHOLE BODY TATTOOS. Pacific Publishing now offering whole body tattoos. Will tattoo you with Queen Anne News, Magnolia News, other. Quick, and painful like regular tattoos. Note that ink is water soluble. -- 1420

SEEKING HOT BOTTOM. Sexy male stripper is seeking a Hot Bottom to keep my trousers warm while I perform. I wear a 32 Long. -- 5470

WOW! Foot-long penis as thin as a pencil. Women: imagine riding my foot-long shaft as I expertly clear fallopian tubes, lance uteran boils, so much more. A clean, healthful boning for a change. -- 4565

PSYCHIC FORECASTS. We'll make your dreams come true! Brunansky Brothers will make your psychic forecasts and visions eerily accurate. Tell us your forecast, leave rest to us. Impress friends, self. -- 9067

FORECASTS. Randomly generated astrological forecasts. Fun and more accurate than regular forecasts. -- 9340

HALF-MAN/HALF-HORSE. My horse half is female. Seeking stud horse, young, not too hairy, for regular mounting, plus registered physician or veterinarian to ensure that I am anaesthetized through the whole horrifying process. -- 7730

HALF-MAN/HALF-HORSE. The man half of me is in the rear. Odd, I know. Looking for interested party. Responsibilities will include daily riding, application (and cleaning) of harnesses and straps, cropping, and work with the prod, focusing on mount/dismount. Leave front half alone. -- 3509

HALF-MAN/HALF-HORSE. Me need euthanize man-half he bad please help. -- 2213

RECYCLE. Chan Labs is presently harvesting Appalachian urine for lead, zinc, and copper alloys. Are you from Appalachia? Please help our nation reclaim this precious bounty. Will provide beverages. -- 8096

SEX WITH A SMILE. Comedic penis. You will not believe this penis. You will laugh just looking at it and will really want to be boned by it. The joy of laughter all while being boned. What could be better. -- 7651

SEX NOW EVEN SAFER. Active herpes sore on girlfriend's face? Face Rubbers seal, protect. Simply wrap face before make-out session. Clean make-out with no more disease transmissions. -- 0234

STD TRANSMISSION? Do not risk your life or health. I have a range of innocuous STDs. Ear infection, croup, hives, so many others. Call me for your next STD transmission. -- 2030

FAME IS YOURS. Have a sexually-transmitted disease named after you. Chan Labs seeking new diseases. Millions in research grant money is available in this lucrative field. Be the first to suffer from any of a number of hybrid diseases, multi-diseases, arcane disease combinations. Contact us for instructions. -- 4099

REPRODUCTION OPPORTUNITY. Viral spirochete seeking mucous membrane. Are you warm, moist? Mmm. Let's get together. -- 8818

BETTER BREASTS. Silicone is unhealthy for breasts. Chan Labs never uses silicone in its latex breast patch and breast caulk. Breasts going bad? Contact Chan Labs -- 2212

BE PRACTICAL. Finally, a tattoo ink that won't poison your unborn baby. We use naturally and organically tinted human blood when we tattoo expectant mothers. Cannot harm fetus, which is already largely made of blood. Be the coolest -- and most thoughtful -- mom your baby will ever have. -- 0822

SEXUALLY-MINDED? Are you a good reader? Women needed to read this ad while I lay here thinking about you doing so and masturbating. Intrigued? Continue reading, your pert breasts heaving with curiosity, your face growing crimson after you saw that thing about your breasts, your, I ... I'm done now. Thank you. -- 5509

"CURIOUS" MAN. SWM, 22, amateur poet and creative writer, seeks the sort of girl, 20-25, who would "never" answer a personal ad, and who in fact "will not" answer this one. I will now save myself further "expense" and end the ad. -- 4134

NEW CLUB. Alcoholic, but deny it? Deniers Anonymous seeks members. We meet every Tues. Liesurely drinking, sharing tales of accusatory family members, fascist employers. -- 9111

AT LONG LAST. Erections are all about rape and penetration. Our hand-stitched, cottony-soft dildoes provide relief without all the judging and control that come from regular dildoes. Finally dildoes for, and by, women. -- 4377

TAKE MY WIFE. Please. Man fantasizes about watching hairy stud and my wife together. What would you do to her? What would you say? Hot! Will watch and videotape as you take her to Justice of Peace, purchase license, exchange vows, leave. -- 4309

AUTO-FELLATIO. I love auto-fellatio, but after about 10 minutes my back gives out. I need a young volunteer to pretend to be me auto-fellating me at times like these. Must be trim, sensuous mouth, moustache and overbite. -- 6400

NEED HUSBAND. SWF, petite, blonde, witty and slightly obnoxious, strong-minded (but great cuddler!), seeks husband Ron. -- 3215

SEEKING? Non-neurotic, amiable, hippie-type woman seeking man, age unimportant, not sure what he should look like, to help her find herself, determine her interests, tell her what his interests are, what she's looking for in a man. If in fact that is the sort of man I'm looking for. Oh, wait! It is! Thank you for all your help. -- 7727

WITNESSES SOUGHT. Personal injury accident, Bank of America, corner of Madison and Pike, 8/14/07. I'll be the one in the red bandana waiting under the Brinks truck. -- 7755

FAME OPPORTUNITY. Want your 15 minutes of fame? Public Access Channel 29 will provide. Send in 8x10 glossy and $200. We'll tell you when it airs. $100 for 8 minutes of fame, or $20 for our 30-second mini-fame. Makes a great gift. -- 5126

FREE TV. Free TV for deserving person. Must be color. -- 4582

FREE HOME TOUR. Sturdy furniture, coffee, conversation. Free. Must have wheelchair access. -- 3662

ATTENTION TEENS. If you have ever been to a wine-tasting, you know that master vintners and wine-tasters do not swallow the wine, but rather gargle gently with the wine before spitting it into a communal container called a flagon. I am flagon-master at Newbury Wineries. Would you like to purchase a flagon or two of delicious varietal wines for your next party or gathering? You would be amazed at how cheaply these can be purchased. -- 2211

SEX POSSIBILITY. Gender-neutral professional man, 34, wishes to rut. -- 6011

SEX CHANCE. Rut, rut, rut. My description is unimportant. You, however: are you intelligent? Do you like to talk? Do you move around a lot, instead of just laying there? Do not contact me. The rest of you, please contact me and hurry. -- 6011

VIDEOS. I have lots of home-rutting videos. Just me and my wife, rutting away. Would you like to see them? I would like to videotape you watching them. -- 6011

YEE-HAW! Rutting pigs. We got 'em! At Yelm Stockyards. Available for purchase or rent. -- 6011

SEX! Hole needs to rut. Am small, relatively hairless, pink. -- 6011

THINKING OF YOU. I do not wish to communicate with any of you, but I am an old person who wishes the satisfaction of knowing that there are happy young people out there, rutting. So please, when the time comes to decide whether to rut or not, do so, for me.-- 6011

SEATTLE RUT CLUB. We are rutters who like to gather socially and talk about sports, movies, anything to take our minds off of rutting for a few hours. Always seeking new rutters. -- 6011

CARPETS NASTY? T. R. Rut & Sons, Carpet Cleaners. Family-owned for 30 years. Seattle's rutting community should strengthen its bonds by patronizing its own businesses. -- 6011

SEX/MOVING Rut Brothers Movers. The movers with a smile. -- 6011

MORE OF SAME. Enjoy rutting? Same. Let's rut together. -- 6011

YAWN. Wish to rut. Call! -- 6011

RUT. -- 6011

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