CONDOMS MADE FROM HUMAN SKIN
THE FEEL OF SKIN AGAINST SKIN ...
NOTHING COULD BE MORE NATURAL
Not to be used for purposes of disease or pregnancy protection.
CADAVER CLEARINGHOUSE -- 800-542-6600
THE BIBLE PROMISES SALVATION
for those who have repented of their sins.
Have you repented of your sins, yet still not received salvation?
CALL MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY, ATTYS-AT-LAW
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
CELEBRITY ASH
UNCLAIMED FUNERAL ASHES OF
DEAD CELEBRITIES
In stock: Totie Fields, Hugh Beaumont, Benji.
Sign up now for: Jamie Farr, Gallagher.
Send for free sample.
CADAVER CLEARINGHOUSE -- 800-542-6600
GET NEXT YEAR'S XMAS TREE EARLY!
Now's the perfect time to get that ideal Christmas tree and save!
KERRY PARK TREE THIEVERY SERVICES, 206-727-0753
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Then you already know that I am seeking qualified psychics to ... but you already know what for if you are qualified. Call my 1-900 number, which you know, and listen to my taped message which you already know what it says.
ASTROLOGY FOR THE INTELLIGENT.
IMPOSSIBLE, YOU SAY?
Not at all, with the latest technology! Here's how it works: you provide us with date and time of birth; we tell you where moon, planets, sun were positioned. That's pretty much it. Interesting.
Astro-Logic, Inc. 301 Market St. Seattle 98101
CAN'T FIND THAT OUT-OF-PRINT BOOK?
Will write it for you. Howard Plagiarism Services, 206-470-8300
BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
Holidayline Cruises wants you! Dozens of roomy berths available. Sail the seas! Big Beautiful Women only. Big Women also sought by
merchant marine vessels, factory trawlers.
BALLAST SERVICES INTL, NEW GROTON CN 61219
AMAZING PSYCHIC DRYWALL
And we mean amazing. Will accurately forecast: cost of job; how long it will take; how long it will actually take; inadequate work and subsequent cost of repair; accuracy of forecast, etc.
PSYCHIC HOUSEHOLD SERVICES, 206-939-0132
MODEL REPAIR
All sizes. Licensed and bonded. Cracks, scuffs, tarnished spots? Call!
J. T. GOLDMAN PLASTIC SURGERY, 800-921-1134
ANGRY WOMEN SUPPORT GROUP
WE ARE ... WE ARE SO ANGRY! WE HATE YOU! DO NOT COME TO OUR MEETINGS!
1620 E. Blaine, #302, 206-727-0753, please leave message
BEACHED WHALES ARE BEACHED BUCKS!
Oils 'R' Us. 12024 Garrison Dr. Anacortes 98770 206-470-8300 Call!
GARDEN GNOMES?
YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST.
Dwarves and adorable "little people" for your lawn or garden brought in from Scandinavia. All come fully "dressed" and ready for placement.
BALLARD HOUSE OF TAXIDERMY -- 412 MARKET ST.
CELEBRITY MASSAGE
USE THE MASSAGE SERVICE THAT CELEBRITIES USE!
Celebrity Massage, 920 E. Pike -- Celebrities only, please.
INSOMNIA? STRESS? PAIN?
All that and more. Targy's Tavern. 1600 W. Crockett
AMAZING PSYCHIC METRO TRANSIT HOT-LINE
Will answer your transit schedule queries using psychic powers.
$2.00 a minute. 900-421-2600
NIGHT-OWL DEMOLITION
24-HOUR SUPER-QUIET DEMOLISHING
Tear off roof. Destroy driveway, knock down tree. Pull out and crush old septic tank. You won't even know we're there. 24-hour service. We work in rain, snow, total darkness. 206-939-0132
"Why are only the wealthy denied quality, affordable health care?"
No longer. Dr. J. K. Yesniak. Quality, low-cost health care for the rich.
Yesniak Health Center, 1313 Yesler, 206-727-0753
THIGH CREAM!!
Lo-fat or regular
BREMMER LIPOSUCTION SERVICES, 206-470-8300
New Greenpeace hunting disguises are in! Deer, moose, quail. Very realistic. The perfect camouflage. At your local Greenpeace outlet.
CHRIST IS COMING. ARE YOU READY??
Borden WaxMaster Auto Detailing will get your car looking sharp for the return of Christ. Upholstery, tires, dash.
Borden WaxMaster Auto Detailing 10091 Aurora N. 206-939-0132
PET COUNSELING
Individual, Marital, Substance Abuse -- "Dr. Sparky" -- 206-727-0753
IS YOUR LOVE LIFE INFERIOR WHEN COMPARED TO THE LOVE LIVES OF OTHERS?
Get in touch with an investment counselor from Dean Witter Reynolds.
DEAN WITTER REYNOLDS -- 900-869-DEAN
At your request, we will feign the use of psychic powers
when making decisions regarding your portfolio.
HOMELESS HEATING
WARM YOUR HOME ... AND YOUR HEART!
Homeless people radiate heat just like we do. Use this fact to cut heating bills, feel better about self as person. House our quiet homeless denizens, reap savings. They will exercise or strip down if need be to maximize heat conveyance.
Min. order 12.
Homeless Household Services Box 1282 Seattle 98112
GROUP THERAPY FOR SURVIVORS OF INSECT
Victim Services, Intl. 2102 Weber Ave. S. 206-470-8300
With every purchase of a Naturesafe biodegradable spray-paint product, get a
FREE MAP OF HOMES OF
LAKE CITY REPUBLICANS
NatureSafe Biodegradable Impermeable Paints, Solvents and Dyes
2202 Fremont Ave. N. Offer good through Mar. 12, 1995.
ABOUT TO BECOME A DAD FOR THE FIRST TIME?
In this exciting time, we strongly advise you to contact the law offices of
MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
REUPHOLSTER YOUR DOG OR CAT
in the finest flame-retardant Dacron polyester. Material will not shed, discolor, mottle, tuft, shift or sag with age like regular pet hair.
Egan Pet Reupholstery -- 206-939-0132
SHARE THE WELLNESS WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE
Yoga, the art of meditative bending and stretching. Now there's a complete repertoire of Yoga breathing and stretching exercises and relaxation techniques for your dog. Video and booklet show you how to: truss up family friend and tape mouth shut; force her into Lotus, Shibu Knot and Weeping Swami positions; calm yourself and think peaceful thoughts while she breathes deeply through her nose. A better, mellower dog.
Send $9.95 to: PAWS, 2533 44th Ave., Lynnwood 98404
NEXT VALENTINE'S DAY, GIVE THE GIFT ...
OF SINGLENESS
MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY, ATTYS-AT-LAW
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
IN THIS STRESSFUL TIME ...
> You need someone in your corner, fighting for your rights;
> You need competent, professional representation. You know the big insurance companies have it;
> You need an attorney who cares for a change.
IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAVE RECENTLY BEEN TRAUMATIZED BY THE DISCOVERY OF A DEAD MOUSE IN A PEPSI OR PEPSI-COLA PRODUCT, WE URGE YOU TO CONTACT THE LAW OFFICES OF MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420 -- Offer ends May 3, 1995
NEED COUNSELING, BUT DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM?
That is a problem ... not! The wellness providers of Pselect will help you discover what your problem can be. Choices include: Eating Disorder; General Disorder; Substance Abuse; Abuse of Non-Substance; Other. And then at your leisure you find the courage to seek out the lasting help that you need.
PSELECT -- 1420 15TH AVE. E. #332 -- 206-727-0753
Providing FREEDOM OF CHOICE in Emotional Pathology since 1991
BEAUTIFY YOUR WIFE WHILE SHE SLEEPS
Mud-pack, fix skin, groom. Lift, buff. Spritz with Liz Taylor's Passion®. Wife wakes up pretty. What a treat. Somnesse 24-hour Adjustments. From $150 (include photo with order). 206-470-0753
Surplus freeze-dried mice. Just immerse. Thousands of uses. Mice come already dead. $1 per dozen. Box 5578, Coos Bay, Ore. 97420
SEND YOUR LITTLE PRINCESS ON
THE PROM OF HER DREAMS!
Don't let her go to the prom with a high-school boy! Our swarthy escorts know how to treat a lass like a lady and make her feel pretty.
Her special evening:
> begins with a quiet dinner at Kirkland Beef 'n Brew;
> includes attendance at a prom at a high school of your choosing;
> also includes one half-hour session of couple's counseling with Dr. Jayne Simons, Counselor to the Stars;
> ends with a drive through scenic Volunteer Park;
> and she's home by 10!
Prices start at $79.95 (please include photo with your order), and include corsage, bottle of alcohol-free champagne, condom, and mint.
PROMPRO INC., 15201 AURORA N., 206-939-0132
Native American DNA. Tulalip, Swinomish, other. Qualifies you to own and operate casino on Indian land. Oral or suppository. 206-727-0753
WOODLAND PARK MONKEY MASSEURS
206-812-1916
GOOD NEWS FOR LADIES
Due to recent court rulings, a years-long pattern of domestic abuse can be used as a means of exoneration not only in cases of spousal murder but now also in cases of:
> antitrust violations
> parking infractions
> bid-rigging and misuse of public funds
Do you have your years-long pattern of domestic abuse? Thousands to choose from, starting at $79.95
MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY, ATTYS-AT-LAW
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
C'MON. ASTROLOGY IS FOR MORONS
Because it fails to consider the effects of Uzul, the so-called "invisible" planet between Pluto and Saturn. You've no doubt noticed that your daily Times horoscope only works if you first imbue it with labored rationalization and willful idiocy. No wonder! They neglect to re-calibrate for the astral miasma thrown off by Uzul! 20-page how-to booklet, $14.95. Dan Thronweil, 2602 Corliss Ave. Seattle 98118
DEBT THERAPY
 Borrowing money could be the most healthful thing you could do for yourself right now. Santucci's House of Loans, 206-727-0753
CREDIT REPAIR
Do-it-yourself. Butch's Guns 9501 Aurora N. 206-470-8300
With any $10 purchase of Savage Wraps condoms, receive a complimentary box of Soft n' Savage medicated swabs. This week only, at any participating Payless Drug Store.
EVERYONE ELSE HATES YOU ...
WHY SHOULDN'T YOU?
You're a Republican. You're greedy: you want what others have. And what they have is pain ... but you know that. Why not take back a little of that pain for yourself? Call Progressive Feminist Plumbing. Democrats don't call us. They don't have to. They're already suffering. We'll happily tend to your plumbing needs (you provide tools, ride). And then, when your toilet falls apart, and it probably will, you'll know what it's like to live in a patriarchy. And the water on the floor will be your fault.
And you'll think, "Hey, I'm insensitive ... and that hurts."
- - Progressive Feminist Plumbing -- 206-939-0132 - -
With any $10 purchase of Savage Luvs Adult Undergarments, receive a complimentary jug of Eau de Savage toilet water. This week only, at any participating Payless Drug Store.
BUSINESS OWNER,
ARE YOU A BIGOT PIG?
NOW, MORE THAN EVER, IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW.
Our experts will examine the racial and sexual indicators of your employees, rating these characteristics and offering suggestions for improving them. Our infra-red spectro-analyzer is highly accurate and exudes a fluctuating dosage level of 40 rads per two-minute specimen sweep.
Defray legal costs, be more caring.
Microdiversity Systems, 5506 University Way, 206-727-0753
IS YOUR BITCH A VIRGIN?
Animal Astrology -- 900-984-0176
IT'S 1995.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
Now, more than ever, you are what you enjoy. Find out what that is.
Two-hour in-home examination. Sterile implements.
Caring team of specialists. Must be HWP.
HOLLAHAN SEXUAL PREFERENCE TESTERS -- 206-470-8300
"Self-knowledge through considerable discomfort since 1991."
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
People not paying enough attention to us. Need caring volunteers to: listen to us with interest; watch us, no matter what; politely accept our free literature; housekeeping and massage. ACT-UP, 206-939-0132
COMPULSIVE EATING DISORDER?
Tank rupture. 30,000 gallon spill on our lot in Federal Way. Porta-potties on premises. Not responsible for injury. Please hurry.
Heinz Co., 16520 Marginal Way S., Chili Depot, Lot 42A
PUBLIC NOTICE: Smokers are being persecuted everywhere. There's nowhere to go anymore to grab a quick smoke. Now good news: as of April 10, the visitor's center of Shelton Federal Penitentiary will be designated
SMOKING PERMITTED.
NON-SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Have you suffered from sexual harassment and keeled over dead as a result? Did you know that it is now possible to sue for the pain and suffering damages you would have collected if you had lived? If you were alive, we would urge you to contact the offices of:
MCNUTT, GANT, THRUSH & ORMSBY, ATTYS-AT-LAW
590 Commercial Ave., Coos Bay, Ore. 97420-0249
IS THAT A BULL IN YOUR CHINA-SHOP?
Astrology for household items -- 900-984-0176
THE CRONES OF GAIA
A spiritual growth group for women. We invoke the spirits of the earth through drumming, chanting, impersonal touching. White magic is more powerful than the magic of darkness. Hath-rachna-mar! And we draw forth the nymphs, spectres and demi-gnomes to cleanse and punish.
NOW AVAILABLE FOR KIDS' B-DAY PARTIES!
Crones of Gaia Inc., 6102 Corliss Ave. #20
Bald spot available. For tasteful advertisement.
Contact M. Selig Services, 206-727-0753
In 1937, Hollywood actress Marie Prevost died of a heart attack in her apartment. Her body was not found for 6 days. During this period she was partially eaten by her dachshund. Don't let this happen to you. For no charge, we will happily euthanize your dog or cat. Two minute, not-altogether-unpleasant procedure.
CHAN'S TROPICAL FISH EMPORIUM -- 206-470-8300
29022 Aurora. Next to Chan's Restaurant. Fish are quiet, loving pets.

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