SPECIAL SECTION: Holiday Gift Guide
Give a gift that keeps on being given! It used to be hard to find something special for Mom that you wanted but she didn't. No longer. In this special pull-out section, we've assembled a collection of goodies suited for the task. Everybody wins. Sponsored by Adult Emporium.

SPECIAL SECTION: Holiday Gift Guide
Every year millions of busy people completely forget about Christmas, missing out on seasonal family moments and memories. But you can treat yourself to the Christmas experience every day of the year at Kringle's Fashionhaus. Take advantage of our May Sales Days to save up to 20% on all unwanted apparel.

Television Who says you have to be able to dance to be on "Dancing with the Stars"? Christopher Reeve in the "roll" of a lifetime. page 17
Liquor Synthetic Chateau-Neuf '42 tastes plasticky, but it's $4 a drum! page 18
Music Use a metronome while reading aloud for neat hip-hop without all the cop-killing. page 20
Books on Tape Wilford Brimley dozes off two pages into Ulysses, just as you would. page 26
Environment New spay/neuter policies have put Labra-doodles on the Endangered Species list, and Seattle owners couldn't be more proud. page 33
Travel Slave labor still exists in Mali, producing an exquisite Gruyére cheese. page 40
Politics County Land Management Council creates reader boredom. page 47
Art Newly-discovered swath of untattooed skin on Cher has agents, sponsors squabbling over rights. page 49


Poison Playpen Stephanie demands that her NEA grant be paid in Susan B. Anthony dollars, so they pay her in quarters and she never notices. page 27
Mr. Hodgepodge Clark loses 60 pounds but still can't get laid. He demands a refund, so the surgeons fill him full of surplus government cheese. page 33
Just Ask Satan Christians masturbating with Rogaine cream regrow foreskins, go to hell two ways. Dan explains. page 50

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