RUGGED BODY CAVITY AVAILABLE
For
storage of valuables, keepsakes. Rent by day or hour.
Please no perishable
food items.
SAVAGE SERVICES 206-727-0753
HOME PROSTATE EXAM KIT
Lubricant, tissue, prosthetic
finger. $14.95
Industrial Probe, Inc. Box 2125 Federal Way WA 98172
RUGGED BODY CAVITY AVAILABLE
For use in
training law-enforcement personnel in proper body-cavity search procedures. Try
me! Can easily handle: flashlight; Geiger counter; snout of drug-sniffing dog;
more!
SAVAGE SERVICES 206-727-0753
BEGINNING
BLUES HARMONICA REMOVAL
Dr. Hiram Flesch 206-470-8300 Emerg.
206-939-0132
STOP SMOKING
During my one-hour
seminars
Prof. Gilder, "Gasoline and You," Thurs. evenings,
SCCC
BIG LADIES TAKE LONGER TO STRIP!
More
surface area. Garments are more extensive.
More strip for your valuable
strip-tease dollar.
Belly Acres 206-470-8300 Ask about our volume discount.
DEEP, PENETRATING MASSAGE
Let yourself unwind
with one of my relaxing massages.
Kevin Jeffords, Licensed Prostate Massage
Therapist --- 206-939-0132
LIKE MOST PEOPLE, YOU PROBABLY
FIGURE YOU DON'T NEED A BODY CAVITY SEARCH
But for the love of
God stop and think. What if you're about to be arrested? You could find yourself
embarrassed. Or worse. Well, worry no longer.
I will locate and remove
potentially incriminating items.
Careful Fingers Cavity
Searches --- 344-2800 --- Ask for Tom
Call before May 1 and
I'll throw in a complimentary prostate exam.
TAROT WITHOUT ALL
THE BULLSHIT
I do discount Tarot readings using a Tarot deck
that features
heroes of the American Labor Movement. Learn about the
struggle of the American working man and also learn your fortune.
Gus
Kaminski 206-727-0753
MARTIAL ARTS FLIPPING STOOGE
Available weeknights. Karate, ju-jitsu. No punching. Jim,
206-939-0132
SPANK ME!
Im a eight year old
whos murdered my mom and dad and so there is no one to spank me when Im bad
which is a lot. Tim 206-470-8300
PROSTRATE EXAMS
Probably not what you're thinking. Please read the above carefully. I
give SAT exams to people who are PROSTRATE. I get a lot of calls from perverts.
Linda's Invigorating Prostrate Exams, Inc. 206-939-0132
You trusted me with your fortune.
Surely you will trust me now
with your teeth and gums.
Madame Viviana Dental Hygiene
206-727-0753 Please call for appointment
THE BIBLE IS FILLED WITH VIOLENCE
Many young parents do
not realize how violent some of the stories in the Bible are. But it's true. The
Bible contains numerous religious parables involving rape, war, animal abuse and
murder that your unsupervised child or teen will read again and again.
Illustrated Bible Stories for Kids
Send $14.95 to Box
1401 Kent WA 98212
Blood donors save lives!
The gift of blood. Please give generously. Blood will be poured on
fur-wearing Nordstrom shoppers October 6-7. Belltown Boy's Club
Scratch, scratch! Squirrels in your attic or crawl-space?
WILL TRAP, REMOVE, KILL, PUT BACK
Tongs & Hammer, Inc.
Professional Pest Getters --- 206-470-8300
INTENSIVE YOGA,
ROLFING & SHIATSU MASSAGE CURSES
Get the most out of your
physical therapy.
Learn proper usage, inflections. 206-939-0132
for appt.
TOO BUSY TO LEARN YOUR FORTUNE?
Will
pick Tarot Card for you, feign astonishment, fax you complete report.
Chad
T. Kroger Fortune Services 206-727-0753
GIVE GRANDPA A SLUT FOR
SEDER
Lusty Lady gift tokens. Always a thoughtful gift. For use
in our coin-operated slut rooms.
1315 1st Ave. Tokens not redeemable.
ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION VIDEO. FUN!
Probably not what
you're thinking. Adorable leopard cubs experiment with and eventually kill
beagle pup in laboratory setting. Only $12.95.
Great gift for kids, teens,
not so great for adults.
PAWS Video Labs --- 1-800-662-6353 ---
MC or VISA
THOSE GODDAMNED GUESTS
The
party-goer who won't leave. The brother-in-law who overstays his welcome. Bomb
them with Raytheon Guest Bombs. Non-invasive concussion bombs. Smoke, noise,
concussion, unpleasant smell. Works on all size guests, moles, parasitic bugs &
worms. Please read directions. $12.95. Bombs are not reusable. 206-470-8300
Hee-larious Résumés! Fast, cheap and funny!
206-939-0132
TALK TO THE SHUTTLE ASTRONAUTS. LIVE!
Tune your short-wave radio to 601.221 kilocycles, with squelch sweep set
on 22 megahertz and using a roving bandwidth set on soft, in order to listen to
and speak freely with shuttle astronauts at all hours! Give the fellas advice on
experiments, space-walking, etc.
CARL'S BAIL BONDS, 2201 1ST AVE.
206-727-0753
Got your spring breasts yet?
Our
new shipment of spring implants is in! Perky, sassy, and ready for immediate
insertion. Ask about our trade-in policy. Seattle Breast Center --- 206-470-8300
BRINGING OUT THE BREAST IN YOU SINCE 1977
PENIS-HOLDERS WITH A
HEART
Many discount medical clinics have assistants with cold,
callused hands for holding your employees' penises when taking routine
drug-testing urine samples. This can create employer-employee tension, or worse.
At Chec, our penis-holders have warm, manicured, lotioned hands. Chec Discount
Health Centers. We're in the phone book.
Chec. Saving lives for
less since 1982
SUICIDAL? BUMMED OUT? BLEEDING?
There is someone who cares: Seattle Crisis Line. Call!
http://www.dcs.ed.ac.crisis.net/~etext/index.html
You
just gave a quarter to a homeless man. But no one saw you do it.
AND NOW YOU'RE OUT A QUARTER
Let our trained crew
preserve your act of selflessness on vivid, durable videotape.
A keepsake
you can play again and again for parents, prospective employers, chicks of all
kinds. Makes a great gift!
Professional Video Provers ---
206-939-0132
$12.95 includes tape, wino affidavit, quarter.
Need a healthful prostate exam, but ...
DON'T
HAVE A PROSTATE?
Enjoy life again! Our sturdy teflon prosthetic
ovoids come in a variety of sizes and colors. Ready for immediate insertion and
examination.
PROSTATES 'N SUCH. YOUR PROSTATE FRIENDS. 206-727-0753
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALL A PSYCHIC?"
Find out! Ask us
what you'd like to know. Ask us how much you'd be willing to spend. Ask us when
you'll be calling and how long the call will last. You'll be amazed!
Psychics, Etc. 1-900-324-9010 2.99 per min.
NEED A
LIVER? NEED IT FAST?
Gain instant access to the world's
stock of used organs by following our 3-week program. We'll arrange for you to:
be a Jeopardy grand-prize winner; spend a day as a KING-TV weatherman; place a
bomb facsimile in a public park. Organ arrives soon thereafter.
Live longer,
make friends.
Celebrity Fabricators, Inc. The organ people.
206-939-0132
"Hello, Mr. Pickle? Mr. Del Pickle?"
Hee-hee!
Unlisted phone numbers of real, private citizens with hee-larious names.
Hundreds to choose from. Call for free sample!
1-800-ATT-4KIDS. Ask for Mr.
Hollahan.
Need to know your horoscope, but ...
DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU WERE BORN?
Contact King Co. Office of
Records, Rm. 412. $4 handling fee.
Please bring valid copy of birth
certificate.
Do you suffer from ...
IMAGINARY
ODOR?
You don't need an anti-perspirant full of chemicals and
additives. My all-cotton imaginary odor-fighting products are not available in
stores. Stick, roll-on or swab.
Todd's Toiletries 206-727-0753
"I think psychics are a fucking sham ...
BUT WILL I
ALWAYS?"
Find out! The answer might surprise you!
Psychics,
Etc. 1-900-324-9010 2.99 per min.
Calling All Ladies!
DON'T SHAVE THOSE LEGS. SHED!
Animals don't shave. Why
should you? ShedMaster Natural Beauty System's subdermal microfilament grid in
combination with our patented Electrotweeze® body brace will help you lose
hideous leg hair the way Mother Nature does. Shedmaster! 206-470-8300
DEEP, RELAXING SHIATSU MESSAGE
The healing power of
Shiatsu, without all the touching and rough handling. Message changes daily.
1-900-633-4090
BOGUS GINSENG
If you believe in
the mystical healing powers of Ginseng, then surely you will also believe in the
mystical healing powers of less-expensive Bogus Ginseng.
Yelm
Wood Pulp & Dye --- 206-470-8300
DANG! NOT THE DEATH CARD ...
AGAIN!
Time after time, there it is: the rascally Death Card.
What kinda fortune is that? Well, at Salish Indian Reservation Casinos, the
Death Card has been disabled on all our Video Tarot and Tarot Slots machines! 5
extra Lovers Cards! Our new Boogie Cards, good for discounts at Alpental and Ski
Acres! And now ... DEATH CARD DISABLED!
That's Salish Casinos
Tarot, for ya!
REMEMBER: YOU ARE NOT ALONE
You
are covered with microscopic bacteria, spores, and microbial organisms.
We will
analyze life cycles of your parasites, determine dates of birth, then adjust
your horoscope accordingly. Call now.
Raytheon. Better Sorcery
through Science since 1992
Your astrology resource
Last
year thousands of earnest, open-minded seekers commissioned our quality,
personalized astrological forecasts! However, due to a database error we lost
their names. Thousands of handsomely-typeset, eerily prophetic forecasts. Now
half price!
Karma Club. Now The Cheaper Fortune People!
HEY TEENS! GOT A LIMBAUGH FAN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
FIGHT BACK WITH ACTION AND CONCERN!
18-foot-high tower of fused
aluminum slag placed in yard will destroy radio reception for one-block radius,
also looks cool and tots can climb on it although not during storms or during
peak broadcast periods. King Co. Recycling Emporium 206-939-0132
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION FOR GUYS
Gentle, hassle-free
inseminations. You pick the pace.
Ken's Semen Sales &
Applications --- 206-939-0132
And all our applicator pumps are affixed with condoms. Of course.
"I've always liked Doug. But I just gotta know ...
WHAT
THE HELL'S WRONG WITH HIM?"
Arthur T. & Meg Taggart's In-home
Autopsies 206-727-0753
SURPRISE THE WIFE WITH BEAUTIFUL
BREASTS!
Imagine our plump, non-toxic teflon-gel implants
tucked gently into her bosoms while she slumbers. Local anesthesia.
Biodegradable sutures. Missus wakes up with the breasts she's always dreamed of
providing for you. ICR Teflon Fabricators 206-727-0753
CELEBRITY SCUM. YEAH, YOU READ RIGHT.
Such as local author
Robert Fulghum and others. Imagine!
$2.95 a pint. Laurelhurst Pool Cleaning
Service 206-470-8300
Prostate enlargement?
Call for estimate! Duwamish Pump & Generator 206-470-8300
Domestic Abuse in Progress? Seizure? Endangered by Natural Disaster? WE
CARE! WE REALLY DO!!
And we'd love to listen in! No charge! The
Thacker Family 206-939-0132
Affordable therapy for victims of
domestic abuse
Butch's Guns 27501 Aurora N.
206-727-0753
NOW HIRING HOMOS
The Alliance of
Heterogeneous Artists is now hiring homogeneous individuals or couples to
fulfill our Federal Integrated Workplace requirements for '96.
Personality and
ability to learn a plus.
AHA Theatric Therapy Center --- 666
Second Ave. 206-470-8300
Inaccurate psychic forecasts of the 60's and
70's
A trip down memory lane. The untimely Chicago quake of '65.
Burl Ives takes home the Oscar. The ghastly Peter Fonda murder. All your
favorites.
All forecasts guaranteed eerily prophetic at the time.
PSYCHIC
CLASSICS --- 2101 PIKE ST. # 402 --- 206-939-0132
Unaffordable
therapy for victims of domestic abuse
It is possible you will be able to afford
to call my 1-900 number and listen to my message roughly describing my
innovative therapy. Dr. Rose Linder 1-900-622-2489 $23.75 per min.
INCOMPETENT? SQUEAMISH?
JUST TOO TIRED?
Condom troubles?
Bring 'em to us! Let nimble, expertly-trained fingers handle all your
prophylactic applications.
Meany Junior High School, 3003 NE 75th, Rm. 28, 8 - 3
weekdays
You forgot to drink last night.
And you need a
hangover so you can start your day.
HANGOVER-IN-A-CAN
Six-packs or handy singles. Contains no aspirin. At better pharmacies.
You had your breasts enhanced when you were 30. Now you're 67.
AND YOU LOOK LIKE A FREAK.
Because enhanced breasts
don't wither with age like regular ones. We'll help you look less freakish again
by pumping all your subcutaneous cavities full of non-toxic teflon brine, giving
you a more all-over, uniformly-enhanced look. You will no longer be able to
swim.
WESTERN TORSO DECEPTIONS 1776 AURORA N. 206-939-0132
You are just one of 150,000 people who are reading this ad and thinking: that's
total bullshit.
That's right: over 150,000 Seattle-area readers
knew our circulation claim was crap but kept reading anyway. Imagine those same
folks reading your ad.
Wanker Advertisements. 180,000
readers can't be wrong.
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