ARIES: You've probably noticed that I recycle my
forecasts on occasion, and you probably assume I do this as a practical way of
saving myself from having to write new forecasts all the time, and of course
you're right. But sometimes I do so because I am trying to convey an important
point ... sometimes I'm even trying to save a life. Read on.|
For over a month now I've been repeatedly reminding Aries that September is a time for solemn introspection and quiet reflection -- what with, you know, the positioning of Mars being what it is right now -- and that one wouldn't want to disregard and perhaps even interfere with that delicate astral alignment by, say, not being solemn -- quiet -- enough. But after 5 weeks I've reached my limit. HEY! GENE THOMPSON IN APARTMENT 7C! Turn down your stereo! Don't you read your horoscope, asshole? Don't you fucking care about Mars?
VIRGO: The next time you step on a petunia, stop what you're doing for a second and give some thought to the theory of evolution. That's that theory that says that all living things are competing for survival with all other living things. Even the lowliest petunia is competing with other flowers, insects, etc., and would kill you if it could. And yes, even common Virgos, dutifully reading their horoscopes right now, are locked in an unconscious struggle for world primacy and are destined to do rather badly at that.
SAGITTARIUS: Virgo scum.
TAURUS: Shut up.
SCORPIO: I don't want to be a Scorpio anymore.
VIRGO: Anyway, that's according to the theory of evolution. And you know, astrologers are a little like living things. I mean, most people start each day with a stack of daily papers, sort through them, and make use of only those horoscopes that seem appropriate for them that morning. That puts real pressure on an astrologer week after week. Be witty. Be wise. Flatter people while implying that they are easily manipulated. It is frankly difficult to function as a businessperson when the public refuses to ignore my competitors. Anyway, I hope you keep all this in mind as you consider the following forecast: Mr. Clark? Hi, it's me, Rob Bruzsky. Listen, Mr. Clark, I went outside and checked the planets and such and, well, you're not going to believe this, but: you will be having intercourse tonight. Yes, think of it: intercourse. At long last, dear God. Tonight. I am sending a hooker over to your house to make sure.
TAURUS: You probably remember from your required reading in
high school the Kafka story about the man who woke up one morning to find he'd
been transformed into a giant cockroach. Imagine! And the story went on to talk
about how he felt about that. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Taurus, but nothing
quite so interesting is going to happen to you this week. No, tomorrow you will
simply wake up to discover that you have been transformed into a valet. You will
spend the morning saying cheery little things and picking lint off of people's
clothing and otherwise terrorizing everyone in much the way that Kafka's
cockroach terrorized people when it rampaged through downtown Tokyo.
ARIES AGAIN: One
could easily compare the job of astrologer to that of meteorologist. We both
depend on charts, trends, satellite images. While neither is particularly
respected in the community, each can have his choice of female; while neither is
particularly reliable, each can easily control people using charm alone.
Interesting. And it sickens me to think anyone would make this comparison.
GEMINI: You will read your horoscope today! Heh-heh. Kind of a joke. Fact is, I have no idea whether you'll read it or not. It's just a prediction! It's supposed to make you feel good about yourself: that someone out there cares enough about you to make a prediction about you! Anyway, the way your prediction goes is: you will read your horoscope today and be mildly disappointed.
SAGITTARIUS: Everyone knows that horoscopes have no
affect on you unless you read them. And I was wondering if there was a way to
force people to read them. You know, for their own good. No, silly, I'm
not talking about passing some sort of law: I'm a conservative Republican
(and will be until Neptune goes back into regression in March), and so I
believe in limited government. But I also believe in forcing people to read
their horoscopes. At this time I lack the man-power. At this time.
JIM FOOTH OF PORT TOWNSEND: You wrote me asking about how to determine the
age of a grand old pear tree in your back yard, so that you could properly
ascertain its horoscope. And I said: easy. Just cut it down and count the growth
rings. And I said that if it turns out to be a Pisces tree that is great,
because I had predicted bad things for Pisceans that week. And then you wrote
back to thank me and to ask about mildew: you wanted to know when the mildew in
your tub was born. And then you sent me a fax asking about athlete's foot
fungus. "What sign is my athlete's foot fungus?" you asked.
YOU BORN TODAY: You cannot read yet, but you will want someone to clip out this item and save it for when you are old enough to read it. Then, and only then, will you appreciate my powers of prognostication.
ASTROLOGY NEWS 'N NOTES: Regarding the Eric Lacitis column in which he pointed out that all of my forecasts last year were inaccurate, including my prediction that Aries would be injured in that unfortunate Kingdome fire which did not occur: he evidently doesn't realize that I predicted his column and its many typographical errors on a note card which I have here and can show him any time if he requires proof.
FOR THOSE WHO THINK ASTROLOGY IS HOGWASH: Your Tarot card this week is ... (drum-roll) ... the Death Card. Sheesh! Again? Ouch. That must suck. Sorry.
LEO, PISCES, AND MISCELLANEOUS OTHER SIGNS: There will be problems for you this week, but I'm out of space, so check back next week to see how it all came out.
INGA: Inga was born on August 34th, and like all of those born in the temporal sub-plane she cannot be influenced by astrological forces, but she likes to see her name in print.
I am the authority. You will question me. And the question you will ask is:
"Rob? Do you have a 1-900 number?"
I do! It's 1-900-903-2500. Call anytime and chat with my recorded message
which changes daily and costs 4.99 per minute!