I NEED YOUNG PEOPLE to man my 24-hour psychic
hot-line for me. Need not have psychic powers! I will prepare daily print-out of
the individuals who will be calling and when, what they will ask, and how long
you will be able to drag out conversation with chit-chat until they hang up in
irritation. Must have pleasant speaking voice. Dial-a-Kook, 1-900-776-9905. $2 a
min.
TAROT FOR THE MAN
ON THE GO
You need a decent fortune-telling but you don't have all day. Our home Tarot
decks are custom-filled with card of your choice. Lovers, Death, even the
rascally Knave card. Instructions. Commonsense Kooks, 206-727-0753
COMMUNICATING WITH
THE DEAD? It's never
been easier. Pocket Ouija. Perfect for whiling away "dead" time during
stop-lights, board meetings, on toilet. Kookcrafts, 206-470-8330
SAVE A COUPLE BUCKS ON YOUR NEXT FORTUNE
You provide Tarot Cards, ground bone, rough outline of desired fortune. My
remarkable powers of clairvoyance will do the rest. Todd's Drive-Thru
Fortunes. 6224 Aurora Ave. N.
MADAME MONIQUE.
THE
HONEST FAX-ASTROLOGER Finally, attractive astrological forecasts
faxed to your home by a seer who'll never lie to you! All forecasts are
fabrications and are clearly marked as such. Monique Paliuwinski,
206-939-0132
ARE YOU A BELIEVER?
The magic of Tarot. I work parties, bar mitzvahs, christenings. Sleight-of-hand
tricks with Tarot deck. Then eerie prognostications with same. Then I sell you
shares in start-up companies with promising growth potential. Then I replace
your old siding with new Sears DuraSheen vinyl siding. There's more, but you'll
have to call to find out. The Amazing McKorkle, 206-727-0753
HOBBYISTS TAKE NOTE Hand-crafted
Sarin. Been making it for years. Look, this is as good as or better than the
stuff the Feds use in the Middle East and elsewhere. One drop kills the whole
Eastside, etc., etc. Look, my eyes are going bad. I'm starting to worry about
the potential tragic loss of life in the event of an accident. Sad to say, I'm
going to have to let it go to a good home. I have several drums and I don't want
to separate them so you'll have to buy the whole lot. Abner Forbes,
206-470-8330
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GENITAL WARTS make sex a drag. Tired of all the
lies, the pancake make-up? I will surgically relocate pesky warts to less
obtrusive areas. Armpit, scalp, palate. A smooth, seemingly
more-hygienic-looking crotch area again. Dr. Phil Orestes, MD,
206-470-8330
LEARN HOW TO DANCE without looking foolish.
Sociophobes and the naturally awkward can now receive life-affirming dance
lessons over the phone. Arthur T. Murray Telephone Academy. 206-939-0132.
Speakerphone recommended but not necessary.
TRAVELING TO VENICE? Canals, gondoliers, romance and all
that. We'll pay you up to $24 a pound for Chihuly Chandelier chunks. Pete's
Museum-Grade Recyclables, 206-939-0132
FREE SOFTWARE!
With theft of hard-drive. Call for details.
Allied
Insurance Fraud, 206-727-0753
This is the 90's. You need to
learn Conflict Resolution Techniques. Practice Vulcan Death Grip on my
sister. She's in a drug coma. No choke-hold, judo chop, etc. Just Vulcan Death
Grip. $8 unlmted use. Jim, 206-470-8330
JEAN ENERSON DERMABRASION sand from her weekly sand-blasting sessions.
Contains particles of collagen and industrial pigment. Good for landfill
modification and enhancement. Cahill Cosmetic Blasting, 206-939-0132
WAYNE CODY weekly liposuction sessions. Bring recording equipment and
record this rich assortment of gurgling and grunting sounds for use in creating
sound effects. 206-727-0753
COMMODORE PC'S. With 20 meg
hard-drives. For use in creating satisfying crushing sounds.
206-470-8330
PAGER AVAILABLE. Sleek new Motorola pager. Will page you when you are in need
of pleasing beeping sound for use in studio work. Available to tour w/ band.
206-939-0132
TRASHER NEEDED. Band needs hotel room trasher for
promotional reasons for upcoming world tour. Responsible for trashing Rm. 64 of
Edgewater Inn after each show, then clean-up and payment of fines.
206-727-0753
INSTRUMENT-DESTROYER. Band needs instrument-destroyer
for promotional reasons for upcoming world tour. You provide instruments,
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