FOUND. Kitty. Black & white friendly tabby. Lots of personality. Collar with tag: "Gus." Near corner of 23rd and Dravus. Will keep. Brad, 206-727-0753. Please do not call.

TOOK. Gray cat, M, red nylon collar, from yard of house on W. Prospect. Dennis, 206-470-8330. Please do not call.

SOLD. F Beagle, good markings, resonant bell-like bark, shots, to Chok Moy Chinese Cuisine. They told me it was for purposes of scientific experimentation but later I started to wonder and now I just don't know. John, 206-939-0132. Call if you wish, I will not answer.

REPEATEDLY TAKE AND RETURN. The Sanderson's big yellow lab "Thor." From their yard. Between the hours of 10pm and 6am nightly. For purposes of home security. Carl, 206-727-0753. I'd love to hear from anybody.

LOST. T-Birds, 3/17, to Kamloops, 4-2. The blind can call 206-470-8330 to hear an audio version of this ad.

LOST. In area of Ravenna(?). We are from out of town. HELP! Cell phone: 206-470-8330

TO ALL OUR FRIENDS. We've been placing classified ads for years now telling you of some of Squeaky's adventures. Well, the sad day has arrived: it's time for Squeaky to move on. I'm sure you'll love having him in your home: he's received nothing but love over the years. Boy, if that mattress could talk! $40 or best offer. 206-939-0132. Ask for Tom or Ron.

FREE TICKETS! Governor Mike Lowry unpaid traffic tickets. Free. Hundreds to choose from. Speeding, swerving, bumping, incorrect use of turn indicator, other. Limited supply. Must sign standard form acknowledging responsibility for ticket. Lowry Defrayment Trust, Olympia, WA 98331

What more fitting tribute for the brain-child of The Seattle Commons? John is traveling in Central America right now, so this is the perfect time to build a dynamic urban park on his property. Sunday the 24th. Bring a sack lunch. We will raze existing structures and prepare the soil for John to landscape as he sees fit. A fun, civic-minded afternoon. Call 206-470-8330 for directions.

SPRAY-ON TURD POLISH. Brightens, protects. Includes buffing cloth. Vito's Unusual Lacquers, 206-727-0753

SEEKING VOLUNTEERS. I need several honest, dependable young people to assist me in a project that helps society. During the Olympic Torch Promotional Relay here in July, I had the great good fortune to steal one of the handsome, solid teak torches. A keepsake to last the years. The problem: keeping the flame lit. It is the Olympic flame, after all. I have occupational responsibilities. You will be working in 8-hour shifts in the well-ventilated maintenance closet here at the newsroom. 206-470-8330, ext. 4124

MURDERER NEEDED. Young people are skate-boarding on my wheelchair ramp. I need someone to come by and murder them once a week or so. I cannot afford to pay you. The man who did this for me last year has moved away. Florence Milliman, 206-939-0132

NOTICE: Would those who are responding to our ad seeking volunteers to murder skate-boarders in our parking garage please stop responding? Thank you for your interest; we found several qualified people 3 weeks ago, but the phone is still ringing off the hook. The Downtown Bon, 206-939-0132

On Sept. 28th, radio performer Rush Limbaugh again disgusted one and all by suggesting on his radio show that perhaps liberals would stop interfering with the execution of Mitchell Rupe if Rupe were first partially inserted into a woman, at which point freedom of choice concerns would take precedence. He thereby offended pro-choicers, pro-lifers, impartial observers, readers of this publication, and the whole of civilized society with the exception of Mr. Rupe, who has given the go-ahead on the plan and is presently seeking a young, healthy female volunteer, plump with white skin, oily complexion, no drugs or STDs. Contact: The Rupe Foundation, 206-727-0753

TURD GARNISHES. Teflon-coated parsley sprigs, pearl onions, etc. Just swallow whole during meal. Sally's Cosmetic Consumables, 206-470-8330

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