kleenexes are old and kind of wadded
up but I can personally guarantee they're from his hotel room. Great for
cloning, reproduction, etc., or just general interest. International Celebrity
Semen, 206-727-0753
OXYGEN PILLS. Now, oxygen in a handy pill
form. Just swallow into lung for hours of breathing pleasure. Tim's Novelty
Pills, 206-470-8330
LISTEN TO 911 CALLS AS THEY
HAPPEN! New service from AT&T! Over-flow 911 calls routed to your
home. Handle noise complaints, reports of prowler, etc. Call AT&T Revenue
Services, 1-900-878-7634
CAP VISORS. Thousands of visors salvaged
from damaged caps. Perfectly good condition. Position at back of head. Junkie
Tom's Fucked-Up Caps, 206-939-0132
 COOL CHALK
corpse outlines from real murders. Starting at $3.95 per sq. yd. Each carefully
preserved by professional archaeologist. Each comes on original carpet, concrete
section, etc. SPD Sideline Services, 206-727-0753
BABBLER
AVAILABLE to act as guest speaker at Internet symposiums, self-help
seminars, etc. Can adapt babbles to fit needs of audience, can look and sound
sane for hours though I am not. Dr. H. T. Gorgan, 206-727-0753
"CRAY-ZEE"
balls. Lop-sided billiard balls for "cray-zee" billiards fun. Karl's Failed
Novelty Notions, 206-470-8330
HAIRY BALLS. Hair-covered billiard
balls, from the makers of Minoxidil. Freak out your friends, impress the ladies.
Easy to maintain, gentler than pets. Rogaine Failed Houseplant Notions,
206-470-8330
POLICE SIRENS. Mount on auto, bike, or simply carry.
People will move out of your way. Say goodbye to traffic and crowd hassles.
Perfectly legal. Practical Urban Irritants, 206-939-0132
INTERESTING
DIARY ENTRIES. For when you're just too tired to write. Thousands to choose
from. Send for catalog. C. Hrumpher Trivia Services, 206-727-0753
HONORARY DOCTORATES AVAILABLE For use in doctor-assisted suicides. Seattle
Art Institute, 206-727-0753
CELEBRITY DNA. 80 pounds of ex-Governor Dixie Lee Ray tissue found during inventory.
Good condition. For use in possible cloning, reproduction, etc., or just general
interest. Pierce County Coroner's Office, 206-727-0753
I HAVE
SEVERAL FEMALE and neutered-male Alsatians available for security or other
duties at lesbian clubs and gathering places. These are native-born Alsatians so
their English is poor, but they are polite and well-dressed. European Importers,
206-470-8330
BE A FULL-TIME AT&T TRANSPONDER! AT&T Wireless needs
roving transponders. Painless 2-hour procedure. Wireless Enhancements, 14202
S. 124th, Redmond, WA.
 I HAVE FULL-FRONTAL nude photos of rockers Def Leppard, Bryan
Adams, Dokken. Variety of poses. Must be seen to be believed! I guarantee you
will never willingly listen to their music again. Worked for me. Ask for Dan at
LeppardHelpers, 206-939-0132
WHY NOT LOOK YOUR BEST?If you're trim and tan, now's
the time to have those autopsy photos taken and placed on file. Avoid possible
embarrassment. Mel Phelben Portrait Studios, 206-727-0753
|
AT LAST! DISEASE-FREE LUNCHES FOR THE WELL-HUNG MAN Silly
mix-up at plant. 100,000 sandwich bags soaked in non-oxynol. Multiplicity of
uses. Ballard Tool, Die & Baggie, 206-727-0753
DISEASES NEEDED
for '97 charity fund-raisers, walk-a-thons, enormous patchwork quilt to send on
national tour. Send ideas and/or samples to: Seattle Junior League,
206-470-8330
NEVER AGAIN WILL EXERCISE
BE A
CHORE Multi-function exercycle. Radical new design. In
full-function mode, gas-turbine engine makes pedaling a breeze. In non-function
mode, use handle-bars for hanging surplus clothes, planters, old hoses. Also
exercises abs, quads when lifted and placed into dumpster. The Practical
Exerciser, 206-939-0132
STRANGLING VINE. Attractive,
fragrant. Plant vine near throat of unsuspecting victim. In 3-6 weeks vine will
grow and strangle victim naturally! Must keep victim bound and in place during
this period. 206-727-0753
Didja ever look into the night sky and ask
yourself ...
WHO AM I? WHO REALLY AM I? WHAT IS MY AMERICAN
EXPRESS CARD NUMBER? Members of Memory Club don't do such things.
They don't have to. They've entrusted us with their pertinent personal
information. When all else is forgotten, we're only a phone call plus 8-digit
personal PIN number away.
ARE YOU A MEMBER OF MEMORY CLUB? CALL
AND FIND OUT.
1-905-611-2109, ext. 4279
COMATOSE
RELATIVES RUIN FAMILY PORTRAITS But they don't have to. Our
specialists have been putting smiles on the faces of humorless kinfolk for over
40 years. Dunn Electric Portraiture, 206-470-8330
NEW SHIPMENT
IN! We've just received a big shipment of perfectly good tattoos and we've
gotta move 'em! All tattoos rendered by professional artists. Classic designs,
including naval, biker, and lesbian insignias. Some have slight cosmetic damage.
Cadaver Clearinghouse, 206-939-0132
TAKE IT OFF AND KEEP IT OFF!
You have your Def Leppard tattoo removed but a month later you find you have
gotten another one to take its place. You feel pathetic and that hurts. The
problem is not with you. The problem is mental. Let's talk. Industrial
Amputators, 206-727-0753
PAINLESS TATTOOS! FREE!
With every
purchase of an artificial limb from Industrial Amputators. 206-470-8330
BARBER COLLEGES GIVE FREE HAIRCUTS. WHY DON'T MASSAGE SCHOOLS GIVE FREE
MASSAGES? We do! Free massages? What's the catch? No catch. Help
our eager students learn this age-old therapeutic art. Bring your sore muscles
(and a towel). Write for appointment: Wash. State Dept. of
Corrections Massage Education Facility, Shelton, WA 98294
ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY CROP-DUSTING Our large, enthusiastic
black-fly swarms use no fossil fuels as they defecate nutrient-rich fly guano on
your cropland. Can also be used to defecate herbicides and pesticides before
dying and decomposing nutritiously on your fields. Crap-Dusters, Inc.
1-900-653-6612
WHAT A DUMP.Your vacation home, that is. Face it, it sits idle for
nine months. Summer rolls around, and: Yuck! Dust, cob-webs, evidence of vermin
infestation. That's because it's sitting idle. Why not fill it full of our
helpful flies? Just one of our disciplined swarms will: eat dust, spiders, etc.,
attack and kill infesting rodents, intruders, keep things tidy. When you're
ready, our experts then rid home of flies, fly carcasses, droppings, etc. Black
Fly House-Sitting Swarms, 206-470-8330
|
