Hello readers,
I write an advice column for Seattle's growing, vibrant Idiot Community, giving voice to the voiceless - you know, the inarticulate - for many months or maybe years now. I get lots of mail. And I think it's about time you people realized something. No one can convince you that you are an idiot if in fact you are an idiot, because, you know, you can't understand them, so you might as well write me angry cards and letters that are more supportive. Anyway, I already know that I'm an idiot, so attempts to convince me that I am only confuse me. Now here's this week's questions:

Dear Idiot Chick,
Took a crack at the Wanker crossword puzzle again. Got nowhere. My life is shitty and I wish I was dead.

-- from Gary Wurtzel --

I couldn't read your hand-writing, Gary, so I rewrote your question more interestingly (see above).
To me, crossword puzzles are a little like ... like men: you're baffled at first. You try to make constructive changes and are stymied. You begin to enjoy the suffering of others. You start to hate yourself. And then you realize you've fallen in love. See for yourself. Here's the crossword puzzle in question:

1. Def Leppard fan, e.g.
2. Missouri's baffling abbreviation.
3. The senile Reagan.
4. Less off (two words).

1. The hurtful Stooge.
2. This word looks like it should rhyme with "power", but it doesn't.
5. Atop.
6. Atop.

Remember, solvers. When you purchase a crossword puzzle, it is yours. You own the puzzle: no MAN can tell you how puzzling your puzzle should be. First we tidy up the squares (right). Then we get to work on the clues. We change 1 Across to: "Gehrig of baseball fame." Then we change 1 Down to: "Eos, goddess of fertility."
Now let's solve it. 1 Across: "Gehrig of baseball fame." I don't know and I don't care. I hate this. 1 Down. That's easy. In fact, let's put the answer in the 1 Across squares. The rest is obvious.

Eos, Goddess of Fertility. This is my gift to you.

Dear Idiot Chick,
I am the busy mother of three active teenage boys. Lately my arthritis has been acting up. Can't you just wash condoms in the dishwasher?
-- from Mrs. T. L. Greer --

I cannot operate the controls on a dishwasher.

Dear Idiot Chick,
What is your theory of what happened to Kennedy's brain and who he was exactly? Also, I've been trying to find a way for humans to be responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. Please combine your two answers and then phrase your final answer in the form of a question. This should be amusing.

-- from Janet Tarnower --

In order to RAPE AND KILL DINOSAURS, men like Kennedy (brain-damaged at Chappaquiddick),

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