As far as we know, the only
advice column for gay teens written by an
evil Catholic priest.
Dear Evil Father McCorrigan,
a gay teen who
Reminds me of a cute story. The choirboys and I were
tidying up after Sunday services a while back when we come upon a couple of nancy-boys doing the ol'
pokey in the cloak-room. We separate them and rough them up a bit and one of them starts to chirp.
"I write a sex column in a local teen sex paper. We were just doing a bit of sodomy here as a way of
defiling the Catholic Church. You understand." And I had to confess that I did not. He says: "Okay.
You can skin me, or you can boil me, or you can even tack me up on that cross thar yonder. All well
and good. But please - please! - don't make me put on a bright party frock and bouffant wig
and go sashaying down Broadway!" And here I believe the young man tried to give me a hug.
And I look quizzically at the choirboys and we all scratch
our heads and I say, "He thinks this is a bleedin' Br'er Rabbit story." Much laughter all around.
Says I, "Look, son. I'm a man of the cloth. Naturally, I'm going to hurt you. But I'm going to hurt
you in the only way that God allows: I'm going to make a Christian out of you." Because as a
Christian, you see, he'd never be able to perform sodomy again, it being a sin and all. So we get
out a drum of holy water, a high-velocity nozzle, and the snips. And I remember gazing down and
thinking, I've never circumsized an erect penis before. I suppose it would be responsible of
me to first affix the young man with a clean, ribbed latex
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