SOMETIME IN JUNE The organ-donor whose precious liver was
used to save the life of singer David Crosby two years ago wants it back. "It
appears a horrible mistake was made. I got him confused with the brilliant
comedian Norm Crosby," says Tom Carter of Dallas, who went without a
liver for the first year, then began periodically using a common non-donated
liver bought on the open market. "This is my way of repaying Norm for the
greatest gift a man can give: the gift of laughter." Norm Crosby says he does
not need a liver, and he intends to use it as a free-standing bile
generator and protein metaboliser "to help the environment" following the
surgical procedure scheduled for December.
MARCH 3, 1996 In a crazy
April Fool's prank, conservative talk-radio station KVI announced today that the
downtown branch of The Seattle Blood Bank would now be accepting animal blood.
Thousands of civic-minded teens descended upon the Blood Bank with their pets -
attempting to save lives and collect the free orange juice and wafer - only to be
cruelly turned away. A riot ensued; many animals were traumatized; a pony got
loose on I-5; an ant-farm was crushed. In response, Blood Bank goons paid a
visit to KVI broadcast center and bled KVI "hot-talkers" Kirby Wilbur and John
Carlson of two precious pints apiece. But the blood was of poor quality and was
MAY 3? (4?) A gay activist attends the Washington State
Republican Convention to fight for gay and lesbian abortion rights! He wears a
bright party frock and bow, and rides a polka-dot pony into the
convention hall; he is watched with fascination but otherwise
Capitol Hill residents, joggers and urban fishermen have been demanding, "Would
someone please get that corpse out of Volunteer Park Reservoir?" The
controversy - which threatened to jeopardize the 1st Amendment rights of the
dead - finally came to an end when the corpse in question simply
dissolved. Norman T. Murray, of Seattle Snorkel Academy, found some DNA and a
wallet in the reservoir last month and will turn them over to police in the
event that there is interest in determining the name of the fat, pimply fucker
who inconvenienced an entire community for two months.
MONDAY, MAY 27 Deficiencies
in dietary iodine are being blamed unfairly for an outbreak of Mormonism in
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER OF LAST YEAR A workman's blunder in Japan has
put the kibosh on a planned exhibit of Chihuly glass art objects in Kobe.
"Earthquake, nerve gas, now this," observed the noted glass fabricator and
showman impatiently. By the look of it, the artworks - a spectral pastiche of sparkly,
molten shard deals - may have been damaged or even ruined by the extreme
heat and explosiveness of the accident, a power-plant snafu that destroyed
Hokkaido and Honshu provinces. The incident has left Chihuly scrambling to find
a new unwitting benefactor. Burma has extended an offer; says Chihuly, "I have
been to Burma. Nice little country. The people there are starved for culture
and opportunities to interact with the Western world. But the women there ...
bad teeth; disturbing odor. They'll have to find somebody else. Sorry."
DATE: NOT IMPORTANT Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? So goes the old joke.
Well, when pranksters lifted the lid on the sarcophagus there, imagine their
surprise when they discovered