The Many Moods of Me: Couples counseling discriminates against those who are by themselves. Fortunately, Inga has voices in her head. An engaging 3-page transcript. page 18
Asshole-at-Large: Clark complains that he's grown bored with Stephen Hawking; Hawking pays a visit and kicks Clark's ass with just the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. page 19
Asshole, and Large: Current marriage laws discriminate against burn victims, hermaphrodites, and other chronic unmarriables, complains guest death-row columnist Mitchell Rupe. page 19
Asshole is Large: Dan's new job as a human incubator takes a turn for the worse when they turn out to be alligator eggs. page 19
Creating a Better World for Stephanie: Even pups and kitties on their way to euthanization need to be neutered. An account of Stephanie's fulfilling afternoon at the Animal Shelter and in the King County Jail. page 20

Looking Back: Our "imaginary interview" this week is with the late Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, who refused to talk about his sex life, so fuck him, we're not going to print it.
Poetry: Inga's piece on The Pride Parade was so badly punctuated we said fuck it, it's a poem. page 22
Arena Sports: Cock-fighting at The Vogue: yet another beautiful thing ruined by condoms. page 23
Hunting: Rescuing wounded deer and selling them to science for drug money. page 24
Celebrity Seduction: In this month's installment, Dan wines, dines and eventually sodomizes the Mariner Moose costume, only to discover there's no one inside the costume. page 24
Pictorial: Thousands of vegans are dying of malnutrition, and the federal government doesn't care. But we do. Our vivid photo-essay depicts many of the foods they should be eating. page 25

Cuisine: Three easy lunches for helping felchers get more dietary fiber. page 26
The Bottom Line: Genital warts are growing all over the surface of Dan's butt-plug, and the added friction is driving him to distraction. page 27
Men's Health: Dan's cheese-like foreskin discharge results in intestinal disorders and even death when spread on crackers and served at a Republican fund-raiser. page 28
Sausage Lover Radio: All during the broadcast, Dan's normally well-behaved asshole keeps interrupting him with boring jokes and asinine tales of sexual conquest until the EPA pulls the plug on the show. page 28