Hello,
I'm George Clark. I have a reputation here in the Pacific Northwest for being a prominent local
businessman, humanitarian and ridiculer who has his thumb firmly planted on the pulse of America's
teens. Well, The Urban Spelunker contacted me not long ago with this simple request: to lift up that
finger, let the blood flow freely for a time, and then carefully catalogue the sexual antics that
would of course occur as a result. I was happy to oblige ... let me explain. When I was young, my father raised and bred fighting dogs as a kind of hobby. And it was my job, every morning before school, to feed and comb the dogs and supervise the breeding, to ensure that the dogs did not malinger, or lapse into behaviors which in those days would've been considered unnatural. And I recall that, as I watched the little scrappers go through their paces, and gave them encouragement and adjusted amperage as needed, I would often find myself thinking, "Man! This would be really interesting ... if these dogs were human." Well, now's your chance, teens: you can be the human dogs, as it were, in my ongoing effort to find you interesting. Just fill out the survey below. We need to know what you've done, who you've done it with, and of course we're curious as to why. And don't worry, we won't print the results: that would simply end up embarrassing everyone. No, we'll just pass the results around the office. Maybe share a chuckle or two. And when we're done, if we're lucky, we'll have a new-found understanding of the sex lives of the sort of people who would fill out a survey such as this.
1. This is not a question. I do not understand. 2. Now we need to know your sexual orientation. Men:
take your penis. Now describe the orifice into which you would very much like to embed that
penis. 3. Ladies: from
somewhere on the surface of your body, select an orifice and describe. 4. Well, that was no help. Alright:
let's say you are masturbating right now. Which of the following would be true? 5. Alright, let's say you are done masturbating. Which
14. Alright. Let's say that an entire minute has gone by. In fact, the
rest of us have moved ahead, and are now up to question 14. Come on, finish up. 15. With whom or what did you first lose your virginity?
16. Men: what's
your sperm taste like?
17.You and your lover have just enjoyed a delightful
afternoon of rimming, fisting and felching. Afterwards, you are most likely to:
18. How many times per week do you rut like a pig? 19. Men: how
many consecutive erections can you attain during the average boinking session? 20. Men: let's say you're banging a babe. How many orgasms
can you generate in your bitch? 21. Men: how
long is your penis? [The editors will reduce your claim by 25%] How much does it weigh?
22. Women: what is the room-temperature fluid capacity of your vagina in cubic
centimeters? 23. Answer the following question True or False. "As a podiatrist,
I have a fascination with children's feet. How about you?" 24. Women:
you're in the middle of gentle love-making when you begin to have a baby. Now what?!
25. You're
enjoying a bodacious hump session in the bath-tub when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a turd comes
floating by. Now what?! 26. Well, we're nearly at the end. Looking back on the questions you answered,
do you find that you lied on every one of them? 27. How about
that last one? 28. How
about that one? 29. No, you lied on every single question in the survey. Here, try
this next question. You'll see. You are just a common liar. George Clark Services 6115 Queen Anne Avenue North Suite 512 Seattle, WA 98109 Click here to directly examine Survey Results |