Survey Penis HeadHello, I'm George Clark. I have a reputation here in the Pacific Northwest for being a prominent local businessman, humanitarian and ridiculer who has his thumb firmly planted on the pulse of America's teens. Well, The Urban Spelunker contacted me not long ago with this simple request: to lift up that finger, let the blood flow freely for a time, and then carefully catalogue the sexual antics that would of course occur as a result. I was happy to oblige ... let me explain.
When I was young, my father raised and bred fighting dogs as a kind of hobby. And it was my job, every morning before school, to feed and comb the dogs and supervise the breeding, to ensure that the dogs did not malinger, or lapse into behaviors which in those days would've been considered unnatural. And I recall that, as I watched the little scrappers go through their paces, and gave them encouragement and adjusted amperage as needed, I would often find myself thinking, "Man! This would be really interesting ... if these dogs were human."
Well, now's your chance, teens: you can be the human dogs, as it were, in my ongoing effort to find you interesting. Just fill out the survey below. We need to know what you've done, who you've done it with, and of course we're curious as to why. And don't worry, we won't print the results: that would simply end up embarrassing everyone. No, we'll just pass the results around the office. Maybe share a chuckle or two. And when we're done, if we're lucky, we'll have a new-found understanding of the sex lives of the sort of people who would fill out a survey such as this.


1. This is not a question. I do not understand.
[If you answered "True," proceed directly to question 2.]

2. Now we need to know your sexual orientation. Men: take your penis. Now describe the orifice into which you would very much like to embed that penis.
Other (please do not describe).

3. Ladies: from somewhere on the surface of your body, select an orifice and describe.
It seems flesh-like. Hmm ... ouch! Yes, it is in fact flesh-like.
I am a man who would like the opportunity to describe the aforementioned orifice.

4. Well, that was no help. Alright: let's say you are masturbating right now. Which of the following would be true?
I wouldn't be reading this.

5. Alright, let's say you are done masturbating. Which
No, I am not done.

14. Alright. Let's say that an entire minute has gone by. In fact, the rest of us have moved ahead, and are now up to question 14. Come on, finish up.
Stains on survey, could not read question. You people disgust me.
I don't know if I am done masturbating, but by God I intend to find out ... yes, I am done.
I would like to check this square but my hands are occupied.

15. With whom or what did you first lose your virginity?
I know it was with a person of the opposite sex, but opposite of what I do not know.
I was alone.
I am still looking forward to the experience of being a virgin.

16. Men: what's your sperm taste like?
Tastes rather salty when combined with sardines and served on crackers.
Tastes like wadded-up kleenex. And ... and a hint of fresh dill. Hmm. This is not my sperm.
[Toxic sperm. Unable to check square.]

17.You and your lover have just enjoyed a delightful afternoon of rimming, fisting and felching. Afterwards, you are most likely to:
Look up the definitions of those words, then kill myself.
Gargle; manicure; immune globulin shot.
Assign my anus to less strenuous duties for the day, such as defecation, or gentle flatulence.

18. How many times per week do you rut like a pig?
This question offends me because I cannot add.
Twice a week ... oh, like a pig? Four times a week.
I am forbidden to rut like a pig unless under the supervision of a rabbi.

19. Men: how many consecutive erections can you attain during the average boinking session?
I take no note of that for I am a prison bitch.
We the men of Kappa Sigma Phi can attain up to eleven erections per session, although of course they aren't consecutive, they're simultaneous. Your question is nonsensical.
A single ONE of my manly erections is equivalent to nearly FOUR partial erections.

20. Men: let's say you're banging a babe. How many orgasms can you generate in your bitch?
If I fall asleep as soon as I'm done so she can masturbate in private, up to four!
I'm not having orgasms, you idiot. I'm laughing.
Ahh. At last I am done with my masturbating. Could you repeat the question?

21. Men: how long is your penis? [The editors will reduce your claim by 25%] How much does it weigh?

22. Women: what is the room-temperature fluid capacity of your vagina in cubic centimeters?

23. Answer the following question True or False. "As a podiatrist, I have a fascination with children's feet. How about you?"
True, although I now realize to my horror that I meant to check the False box.

24. Women: you're in the middle of gentle love-making when you begin to have a baby. Now what?!
If possible, I would, you know, try to switch holes, so that the baby could come out my butt.
I don't understand how I could be pregnant if he hasn't even come yet.
I would give my baby to a good Christian family if my orgasm gave it brain damage.

25. You're enjoying a bodacious hump session in the bath-tub when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a turd comes floating by. Now what?!
I'd try to figure out where it came from and put it back and hope nobody notices.
When finished, I would -- because of the risk of disease -- forego my customary drinking of the tub-water.
Sheesh! Next time I bugger I strap on a Depends.

26. Well, we're nearly at the end. Looking back on the questions you answered, do you find that you lied on every one of them?

27. How about that last one?
No ... no I did not.

28. How about that one?
That one, yes. But not the others.
I only lied on this question.

29. No, you lied on every single question in the survey. Here, try this next question. You'll see. You are just a common liar.
Survey? I know nothing about any "survey." I've been busy banging babes all day.
I have checked the other two squares, but have left this square ... ominously unchecked.
Disregard the above. I checked all three squares.

George Clark Services
6115 Queen Anne Avenue North
Suite 512
Seattle, WA 98109
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Sex Survey