Publication date: November & December, 1993
Type: Guest Parody Features
Object of Ridicule: The Stranger Sex Survey
Was gathering specimens in the arborium not long ago when who should come skipping up the garden path but a trio of pigtailed wee missies to bring their buttons and bows and bright-eyed curiosity and even a soupçon of sass a-rap-tap-tapping at my french doors. "Mr. Clark! Hey, Mr. Clark!"
I thumbed the intercom. "Yes."
"Mr. Clark, Mr. Clark!" one of them said excitedly. "Do you, um, can you 'member when you did the, um, the Urban Spelunker Sex Survey?"
"Yes I can."
One of them started giggling. We'll call her Megan. "Mr. Clark," said Megan, "You had the word felch in that. I know what felch is. Um, felch is when the man puts his peener in the butt and the other man eats the man's spoodum."
Slang! I keyed my pocket recorder and said, "Now you will repeat that, enunciatingly carefully."
But they'd begun giggling again. "Fist-fuck! Fist-fucking!"
I was tempted to explain to them that there was not the slightest thing funny about that particular act. But ... best to let them find that out on their own.
"Mr. Clark," said another lass, whom we shall also call Megan. "That Sex Survey said that, um, rimming was just the same thing as ..." She closed her eyes and said it slowly. "... a-nal-ing-us. But I don't even know what that is."
It seemed that suddenly I'd become bloody C. Everett Koop. "Stomatolingual lavation and massage of the cutaneous anal membrane ... but really, isn't this the sort of thing your parents should be explaining to you?"
But it was sad when I thought about it. Sigh. Yeah, sure: "parents."
"You ladies deserve a special treat," I said. I opened the doors a crack and, looking through my specimen bag, I presented Megan with a rare variegated Arachnidae Vulpus to wear in her hair.
Anyway, this sort of thing happens all the time. And I have to confess something: I do not in fact recall writing the silly little article in question. My guess is I must have doodled it out during a conference call or something. I ended up sending it by courier over to The Urban Spelunker, an upstart weekly here in Seattle which I soon grew weary of and ran out of business, although, again, I'm only guessing, I can't remember so it's not important.
But one thing I know for certain: I will always provide a prominent place in my website for material which possesses such proven and lasting promotional value.

The Urban Spelunker Sex Survey